Wonders.

I joined a gym today. I sat outside for 15 min before I got the courage up to walk in. I only used the treadmill. The joggers were a bit intimidating. I watched Jeopardy without the sound, so I wasn't sure if my answers were right. I weighed myself in the locker room. 208 pounds. Honesty, it's hard.

Official numbers

After the weekend debacle of ill fitting pants, accompanied by all the other stressors, I tried to accept that I had gained weight (again!). Feeling like I just wanted it all over with, I ran the numbers officially today. I stood on the scale, held the body fat percentage machine, and stood still while the tape measure clicked away.

There's good news, and bad. First, the bad. No weight loss. No change in body fat percentage. No change in measurements. I've spent 12+ weeks now, sweating and busting my butt at least twice a week, with no numerical difference.

Now, the good news. I did not gain any weight, either. Sure, I'm no better than I was 12 weeks ago (from the number point of view), but I'm not worse off either. And the truth is... I am better. I'm not fantastic. Or ready to run a mile. But I am more active. I'm much more involved. I'm just moving.

So. I refuse to be held hostage to these numerical things. Sometimes it's more than just numbers.

Click.

I feel like I've really gained weight the last few weeks. It occured to me last night that a few weeks ago is when I finally fully weaned the kid. I didn't improve my eating habits, so I'm guessing that the calorie burn I was doing naturally while nursing was helping a little.

I really need to do something about this.

I feel particularly frustrated about the whole diet/fitness thing today because I just have no energy. A quick jog down the block left me breathless. Climbing the stairs seemed hard. Logically, I know this is becuase I'm running very low on sleep and energy reserves (plus, I missed some of my medication doses). Emotionally, it just feels like I've eaten myself back into a trap.

I've spent 12 weeks trying to tackle this weight thing. 12 weeks of showing up, sweating everywhere, pushing and pulling myself into something better. 12 weeks of nearly perfect attendance. And I've signed up for 6 more weeks.

These days, I run after the kids. Today I chased bicycles, ran in circles, tossed a ball around. Yesterday, I missed a phone call because we couldn't hear the ring over the ruckus we were raising, stomping our feet and spinning around, doing our wild crazy dance. The other night, I took all three kids out bicycling by myself. I'm almost new. I dance with a new freedom of being, knowing joy found in setting some goals and achieving them.

My freedom is fragile. I'm still enslaved to my addiction. I still stuff my feelings under helpings of cake. I justify my fast food stop. I'm drowning in my own skin.

Yesterday (after the dancing incident) I overhear my mother in law talking about this exercise thing I've been doing. She was almost bragging on me, talking about the strenuous work I've been doing. I felt like such a fraud. Today, I put on a pair of pants that fit two weeks ago... and could barely button them. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to spend the afternoon in a swimsuit, surrounded by thin and fit people, and canoe down a river.

I packed a pair of shorts and a tshirt to wear, because I'm not sure I can brave the suit all afternoon. Out of the water. I tried to bow out of this adventure last week, but my convenient excuse was solved for me and I was too chicken to admit the real problem.

I don't feel joyful. I just want to cry. And eat. I feel like such a failure. And I don't know how to say it outloud to the people who care, can help, will support. So I dug back into this space, because it feels like the whispered in the dark admission.

Sometimes I hide from myself.

I haven't been here in forever, because I lost my way. I couldn't handle the constant battle. This has been so hard. Trying to change, trying to work, adjusting my viewpoint... I got tired, worn out. It's the same old refrain; nothing is new and everything stays the same.

Except. I started a fitness boot camp. Twice a week, for an hour, I let a personal trainer kick my butt all over Carondalet Park. We jog, walk, do stairs, lift weights... and it's good. It's good to get outside, away from everything else, to push myself into doing more and giving more than I thought I had. First session of camp is almost over and a second sesion is due to start. I'm almost signed on for a second run.

Spinning my wheels.

I've crashed and burned out on this whole thing. Like any good thing, I've ruined it spectacularly. My inner ugly voice is telling me that I've been stupid, lazy, and there's no point. In the meantime, I've harvested some smaller sized clothing from my closet. And I didn't feel like a fat freak in today's choice of shirts. Even my winter coat feels too big. Which is actually good (aside from the fact that it's spring time and it's not even a proper coat - more like a jacket) because I have a nice wool coat in the closet but don't wear it because it's felt too small. Hopefully it will feel like a better fit. But none of this has driven any kind of motivation to keep working on change. The last two days, especially, have been bad. So bad. Tons of junk food, snacks, sugars, and general overeating. I don't feel well, which I think is related to overeating (and eating unhealthy) both in triggering the coping mechanism to overeat because I didn't feel well to start and the actual food/quantity making me feel sick to my stomach. As usual, I'm very tired. Feeling ridiculously tired. And I feel crazy. Mentally unwell. I don't' know what that means, exactly, just that life seems way too hard right now. I feel like I want/need a sick day that I can just spend all day in bed, wearing pajamas, or sitting around watching TV. But that's really not in the schedule this week... I'm trying really hard to go back to better choices and habits. The truth is that I don't want to be this way. I don't like feeling this way. It's just where I am right now, unhappily. There are so many words stuck in my head. So many things/ideas floating around. So little focus. I am feeling incredibly isolated and socially inept. So. This is the ugly place I'm living in right now. Looking to move out. Looking to move on.

Finding it hard to keep myself focused.

I haven't been posting here because I'm... well, I'm all sorts of things. Tired. Bored with myself. Sickly. Stuck in a rut. And, most importantly, I'm avoiding the truth; I've been overeating and not caring.

The other day I wrote about being so tired I could just go to sleep for the day. Today, I did that for a few hours. I was just so tired I had to lay down for awhile. I feel more tired than I think is warranted. I'm beginning to wonder if there's something going on, like anemia or something. It's really hard to judge my level of exhaustion. I'm going to try to move up the doctor appointment I have scheduled at the end of the month. I suspect it won't work - it's so hard to get a short notice appointment - but it's on my list of things to try. Worst case scenario, I'm scheduled to see the doc at the end of the month and hopefully will be able to eliminate any kind of underlying physical ailment.

It's been hard. It's possible that much of this is just depression being ugly.

The last few days I've been out of food control, again. And just not caring much about it. I've been much better today - very reasonable lunches, dinners, and snacks. But I still don't care very much. It doesn't feel good or bad, just all out there in this strange mood.

Also, I've started coughing again. A nasty wet hacking thing. Yuck.

I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that I need a jumpstart. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I'd like to be excited about all this again - I've lost weight, my pants fit, I've dropped a size... but none of that is motivating the way it probably should.

And now I'm signing off here to go retrieve donuts from the car. Yup, you read that right. Donuts. That, at least, is something to be excited about.

I'm like the Spring weather and constantly changing.

What a week. I can't believe how much we've done this last week. I'm mentally and physically worn out. It was a good week in so many ways but packing things in like that is crazy. I'm happy to be back to our regular working schedule.

Yesterday was a bad day. I'm very unhappy with myself. I skipped breakfast (time crunch) then ate too many cookies. I delayed lunch (full of cookies), then ate a very large portion. My dinner portion wasn't too big but was all just cheese (quesadilla) - no fruit/veggies for balance. On top of the cookies, I polished off a candy bar. Admittedly, the overall quantity or choices wasn't horrific. It was a good example of the progress I've made - while I did over eat I felt full sooner and hit the stopping point a lot faster than I have in the past. Then there's the other side of this - I just stopped caring about being better.

Sure, I was tired. And yes, I had a lot going on. Physically, I felt lousy with a wet cough and congestion. My stress level yesterday (up until about 9pm or so) was extremely high. I was angry and frustrated. I was trying really hard to go forward, be productive, be polite, move along. It seems very easy to say that I treated all those emotions with food. Specifically, I treated them with bad junk food.

Realistically, I know that changing my lifestyle is a process. I will have days when I give up, and days when I make huge strides. A lifetime of poor eating choices takes time to overcome and rewire. Emotionally, though, I'm finding it hard to pick myself back up again. How many times am I going to go through this before I learn? At least, that's how it feels. And all I really want to do is crawl in bed and stay there for the day.

It's hard to say how much of this plays into depression. I'd like to pretend that depression doesn't matter, that it isn't a problem in my life, that sometimes I'm just a little 'blue.' But all of that would be a lie. It does matter. It matters to everyone I live with and work with. It's a struggle - sometimes a daily struggle - that can't be shrugged away lightly. It makes understanding the big picture a lot harder. So, I want to crawl into bed for the day. Is it the depression working on top of the physical illness and exhaustion? Or is it just my body trying to get me to take a nap?

I'm pretty sure I'm just talking myself in circles.

Yesterday, I raided the pile of clothes I had set aside to donate. I retrieved two pairs of jeans from the pile to add back into my closet. When I set them aside, they were too small. Yesterday, they fit just fine.

Somethings are good.

Too tired to think clearly, but I wanted to share some good things.

I've been out of town - both a good and bad thing for my dietary efforts. But I haven't been very computer oriented for the last few weeks so I'm pretty far behind on everything involving my laptop, including my blog.

I did take a few moments to update my honesty sidebar. I figured I should change my pants size listing, since I have now successfully worn my size smaller pants and found them to be quite comfortable. Looking at the list I realized that I started this journey three months ago.

I'm blown away by that.

Three months. 12 weeks. Ups and downs. Good and bad. Lots of failure, some success mixed in.

It's the longest I've ever stuck with a new diet plan.

Like I said, blown away. Perhaps I'll be more articulate tomorrow.

The last few days, not so quickly.

I haven't had a chance to post for a few days as we trekked out of town the other day. The preparing to leave plus the in town activities took up most of Saturday. Yesterday, we were busy with the tasks we trekked over here to accomplish. But today... today is a good day to post. Naps are happening, work is on pause, and the weather is gross.

I'm going to try to hit the highs and lows of the last few days. No particular order, just however they occur to me. I'm going to just go with it.

Saturday morning I was out of the house early. I didn't have time for my usual breakfast at home. Normally, given this schedule, I'd take the excuse to run through a drive through and grab something really bad for me (sausage mcgriddle, anyone?). Since I started a new breakfast program, though, I've successfully avoided all drive through breakfasts. Let's face it: there isn't much on a drive through menu that is 200 cal or less. Just to be sure, I took a quick look at the published calorie counts; not even the new oatmeal they're pushing is in the range unless you get it with no brown sugar, though the fruit/yogurt parfait would qualify (the sausage mcgriddle is over 400). To get around this drive through temptation, I've been really good about taking breakfast along with me. It keeps me honest. But I didn't have a chance to fix anything to go Saturday morning. My schedule required me to be out for several more hours, so just skipping it and going home wasn't going to work. In the end, I stopped at QT. I balanced my cinnamon roll purchase with an unsweetened tea (instead of coffee). More importantly, I didn't eat the whole roll. I'm not completely crazy - I know that half a cinnamon roll from QT doesn't belong in my breakfast regiment. But the fact that I could (and did) set that roll aside before eating the entire thing is significant.

I've "helped" myself in the past to stick to stated goals by just removing the food. For example, I'll decide I'm only going to eat half that small cone of ice cream from Dairy Queen. To make sure it happens, I throw away half before I even take the first bite. So I've stuck with the goal, but I ate everything I had. Saturday morning, I just set the roll aside. I didn't eat it all, I just ate a predetermined amount. An amount that was even reasonable. This is huge. This sort of experience is what makes me feel like change is possible. And, possibly, that change is actually happening.

Being here, away from home, it's sort of easier to avoid the constant snacking. My favorite foods aren't here. I could bring them with me or purchase them but I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to get better about the mindless snacking. The upside is that I've been forced to give up some snacking (or snack on fresh fruit instead). The downside is that I can feel the crazy snacking desire building. I know that what I want isn't here, and in my head I'm beginning to wonder about the best way to get what I want. It's like a growing itch. It's part of the reason why I can't seem to give up the bad stuff entirely. The more I say no, the more I want it. I think I'm going to need to acquire the snacks and make reasonable goals for myself, before I go off the deep end and just overindulge.

We went clothes shopping yesterday. I bought a new pair of jeans to replace the ones that developed holes last week. I picked my standard size up from the shelf only to find that they were too big. I don't know if it's a brand thing or smaller sized waist. I'm still feeling surprised by the whole experience.

There's more I'd like to add but the quiet good for posting time has ended and I'm giving up. Later.

Getting caught up... in my head.

Yesterday, I broke ranks with breakfast. I had two scrambled eggs (with cheese), a slice of toast (butter and jelly) and a cup a of coffee (with creamer). This is not within my 200 cal range. I knew it when I fixed it, but went for it anyway. I'm looking at this as an OK sort of situation, though. I was fixing breakfast. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat compulsively - I made a choice. Importantly, the choice wasn't out of line.

The thing is, I think part of the reason that I've failed so often at this food thing is because I hold to unrealistic standards. I'm not a person who can accept the same thing, day after day, or follow along because I've been given a set of rules. The choice to go to a 200 cal breakfast was a hard choice but a valuable one. Overall, it's been successful. But if I were to say "I'll never eat over 200 cal again" I would go crazy. I would reverse this progress and start eating more and more, just out of spite. At least I've gotten far enough to understand this about myself.

You know... yesterday, it wasn't so bad. Not great, but not too bad. It wasn't a food struggle day even though my mood was really down. I was frustrated and impatient, out of sorts. I think that I am slowly disconnecting the knee jerk reaction to eat emotionally. That's a short sentence, but the meaning is hugely significant.

Monday night, after eating too much during the evening, I got all the kids asleep and immediately thought "Snack!" Then I thought "What?!?!?" I was overstuffed. And I'm thinking about a snack? So instead of going downstairs, I went into my bedroom (where I never eat). I hung out there until the snacking urge passed by. It was a good thing. I'm pleased by this progress.

Today... today is something else. I think. I don't know. Actually, in retrospect, today was pretty good. Too many chips with lunch, but no snacks to speak of. I wasn't hungry for dinner, so I waited until I was actually hungry. Then, wrestling with the desire for a snack and something else, I had small portions. So... I think today was pretty good. Hard to say for sure, as I'm amazingly unreliable at assessing these sorts of things. I think I'll take it, though.

Off to sleep - so tired. I'd like to work out a bit tomorrow. It would be good for me.

Losing perspective. Or, I've forgotten how to see the positive side.

Yesterday was an amazingly impressive failure. Breakfast, lunch, and snacking went OK. Then I went crazy. We had tickets to a hockey game. I don't go to the games very often anymore.When I used to go, there was always a snack involved in the experience. Last night was even stranger - our tickets included food and drink at the lounge. I seriously overate. I'm pretty sure I ate two lunch portions for dinner. I usually struggle with dinner portions anyway but last night got very much out of hand. Part of it was the idea that we spent a lot of money on these tickets and I felt like I needed to justify the expense. At the cost of my diet changing efforts.

I had several hours to myself yesterday. I thought about putting in the workout DVD. It's been a long time since I've done it and I need to get back into a routine. But there are so many things that need doing at any given time. Instead, I opted to do some clean up. I got through the entire master bathroom - which I usually have to do in stages - and started organizing myself for us to leave on Saturday. It was time well spent and it felt good when I walked through those rooms yesterday/this morning. But by the time I finished, there wasn't time for the DVD. There's never enough time for everything.

I'm trying to see the success buried in all this. Before going to the hockey game I had done OK for the day. And I was wildly productive all day Sunday and Monday. I had an idea that I'd go overboard at the hockey game, and it felt a little less like compulsion and a little more like a foolish choice - and that's progress.

Truthfully? I'm awfully tired and not seeing much of a bright side. I feel overwhelmed by the things that need doing, the things that have been left behind, the pace I've set for myself the last few days. I joke about mainlining caffeine, but I'm honestly not sure what's keeping my eyes open. Or my mind sane. I'd like to add something happy and uplifting here, but I'm feeling a bit too bogged down. I'm just maintaining. It could be worse.

What? I don't understand. Can someone explain this to me?

I've fallen apart. Mentally, not physically. Physically, that would be a mess. Although, physically I AM a bit of a mess. I'm making this too complicated.

The other day, when I learned that I had lost 10 pounds, I felt validated. Not thinner, or more fit, but like all this effort has been worthwhile. I found myself moving more confidently. In my head, the thought was something like: I may still be fat, but I'm getting control over my compulsive eating! It's a mindset thing. I've maintained for awhile that this process isn't about weight loss but about changing myself. My attitude, my mindset, my health and well being.

But man, the number on the scale was such a physical manifestation of all this effort. And it felt good and real.

Then something happened. I'm not sure what, or why, but my attitude went south. I went back to feeling full of failure and just fat, not accomplished. As you can imagine, this kind of attitude makes it hard to manage the effort to change. I think that sentence makes sense.

I'm hungry. And I don't understand if I should be. Or if I shouldn't be. Or what I'm doing. I need a new structure.

Some days are just harder.

I've been working on generally having a more pleasant and upbeat outlook on everything. Trying to take in success and let go of the failure. It's hard. I've spent years focused on and seeing my failure. This new outlook thing is actually very tiring. it's harder than you might think to change the way my brain automatically thinks.

Having a lot of trouble with that tonight. My body is very sore for no obvious reason. Painfully sore. And I'm still feeling ill. I overate today but it doesn't feel like it - I'm still hungry. And I'm just plain grumpy about the whole thing. Oh, and I didn't exercise today, either.

I'm going to go hit the kitchen, try to stick to a reasonable snack, and go to bed. Throwing in the towel.

I am my own worse enemy.

I'm actually going to try for an end of day post! Amazing! I'm too tired to be sane. Just go with it.

Good and bad. I blew my calorie count for breakfast and stopped in for a donut. The upshot is that I did manage to control myself and only have one instead of the two I can usually inhale. Also, it was a very carefully considered choice. It's just what I wanted, it wasn't stress eating. So I think it falls into a winning experience, if only slightly. I also managed to control my portions at lunch and dinner. Very minimal snacking, too.

The bad? I just gave up completely and ate a freedom snack even though I was already very full and was eating just to eat. And I knew it, and told myself to go away, and ate my way through a large portion. I don't know what happened. I just didn't want to be different. I wanted to throw away all this change. I miss feeling comfortable about food... even if it was a very fleeting feeling as I was eating.

I do not miss the heavy, heavy regret I used to feel. Now, I don't feel so much regret. I feel like it's getting easier to let go of the bad stuff.

So, good and bad today. I sabotaged myself, but managed some success in there. And I can't remember the last time I ate candy by the handful. That's good, right?

Going to try to resume workout tomorrow. It's a goal.

Trying to see success in the long term.

I went to the doctor yesterday for some issues I've been having the last week or so. It's not too bad (it could be worse) and it will get better (probably without any intervention) but it's still kind of blah. I haven't slept well this week due to ongoing pain. It's hard to get going. Also, the doc wants me to hold off on the exercise until all my symptoms disappear. The actual workout, I mean.

At first, this sounded good. Aha! I have a reason to skip the workout! But after the initial thought, it's just kind of frustrating. I was just getting into the rhythm of regular workouts and this is very disruptive. Maybe I just need something to complain about.

On another, surprising note: doctor visit means weigh in. And I weighed in at 10 pounds less than I did Dec 20, about 2 months ago. This seems huge and insignificant at the same time. The failure part of me is thinking: so what? Who cares about 10 pounds? I'm still overweight. But the success part of me is thinking: this means the slow changes are working.

I also seem to be getting fuller faster. Or realizing that I'm full after a smaller portion. I'm not sure. It's good, though.

Not so many snacks yesterday. If I can control the portions (snacks and mealtimes) I think I'll be in a much better position.

Yeah, I've heard this story too.

I haven't been here in a few days. My weekend didn't go quite the way I would have liked (it involves some very poor rehab work done to our house). As a result I've been pretty busy with house repair and redecorating. The upside is that I've been much too busy for the usual intense levels of snacking I usually have to fight off. The downside is that I haven't done any workouts, I've overeaten at mealtimes, and I am hideously exhausted. That sums up the weekend.

Although, given the stress of this weekend (and life, in general) the snack monster has been a little bit easier. And breakfast is a no brainer now. I need to take the next step in this process of change but I'm just feeling stuck. Honestly, I'm so tired that I just don't know what to do... I guess that I should view this whole work out thing as a change. I'm just... blah. Tired. Same ole, same ole.

Running empty and confused.

I skipped my scheduled exercise date. I should have done it yesterday. I'm trying to talk myself into doing it today. I don't feel well, I'm at loose ends, and I can't formulate a plan for my time. I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my time and everyone elses. I can't take credit for anyone elses time, but I hate feeling like I'm wasting mine. My time is so valuable... doesn't that sound egotistical? I'd like to share something profound or at least interesting but I'm coming up empty - which is why I haven't written anything here the last few days.

Yesterday, my 8 yr old asked me what my hobbies are. I had a hard time remembering.

More brain problems: I had a huge difficulty focusing yesterday. Last night, by the time I gave up and went to sleep, I was having such a hard time focusing in a coherent and responsible way that I knew I couldn't be left alone with the kids. That's very frightening. Thankfully, today is better. I'm not sure what happened yesterday, which makes it more frightening. I also don't know why today is better.

Update: I did the workout. I snacked heavily this afternoon and it took me awhile to convince myself to put the sweet popcorn down. But I did. I got through 35 min before giving up. Still not through the whole workout. I'm trying to take that as a win, anyway. 35 min of aerobic workout is 35 minutes more than I did yesterday. Still, it feels like some kind of failure, again. It's my mindset. I know it.

Plus, my hair looked good until I sweated all over it. ;)

I do love the taste of chocolate.

The day in review: I have no clue. I can't assess this information anymore. Maybe I never could and that's the problem. Or part of it. I think I'm ranging off into too much mental wandering.

Snacks, snacks and more snacks. Hmmmm. Snacks. I would expunge them all from my house but then I would just buy more. I need to learn how to know that it's here and moderate my intake of it. I don't think that total abstinence from snacking is a fix for this problem long term. Snacking is too deeply embedded in my lifestyle. And, frankly, I don't want to give it up. I want to behave myself. In a word: moderation. It's a goal. A big one, apparently.

Today is mixed. My meal portions were great but they were heavily rounded out by snacks. I did manage to talk myself out of all the urges to stop today and acquire cake/donut/cookie. I suppose that's something.

And, on schedule, I managed some workout time. That makes for 3 workouts over a six day period. I'm defining a 'workout' as 20-30 minutes of activity that actually raises my heart rate and keeps it up. I've had some increased activity overall the last week in the form of walks and many trips up and down the stairs. I've been changing out the workouts. Each one has left different parts of my body very sore - this is a huge mental block for me. I'm already hurting, why do I want to do it again? I'm getting around that by doing a different workout. Does anyone know if this is good or bad? Should I be focusing on one routine for awhile? Or is it just really about the heart rate increase? I don't know. I don't exercise very often. Or, really, ever. Except now. Because I need a change.

The other day I thought "Wow, Cornerstone is about four months away. I need to start getting in shape." I think this every year. I think about walking or bicycling around the campground and think how much nicer it would be if I were more physically fit. But the closer the mid-summer gets, the harder it seems to accomplish. I think something like: I can't get physically fit it 2 months, why bother doing anything now? Defeatist logic, yes. But the other day, when I thought about getting fit, I thought: You know, maybe I can do this. After all, I've got 4 months and I've already started trying to fix my eating habits and be more physically active.

Who knows. Maybe this year I'll be able to pull it all together.

Tonight, the exercise thing was really hard to approach. But I did it anyway. So, regardless of the endless snacking, I'm going to lean towards success.

Roller coaster horror ride.

In some ways, the hardest part of this experience is that I enjoy food. Apart from the obsessive thoughts and compulsive eating, I just enjoy the taste of what I'm eating. So on top of the other parts related to this eating reformation, I have to recognize that part of the problem with overeating is that I'm enjoying the taste so much I just keep going.

Which brings me to lunch yesterday: all you can eat fried chicken with mashed potatoes, green beans, dumplings and sweet tea. An absolute awful choice for anyone wanting to lose weight. But I'm still working on keeping my focus on the relationship I have with food, not weight loss. And man, it tasted very good. I walked away from the meal full, but not grossly overstuffed. I ate all the potatoes and green beans but only the small pieces of chicken - and didn't order more. I enjoyed the meal. I enjoyed it all the more because I felt like I had some control over myself. That while the nutritional aspect of it was awful, I held on to my stated goals of stopping at an appropriate time. It felt like a good thing.

The evening was mediocre. I over did it. Shocking, I know. I need to work on this. The whole evening thing is bringing me down in a significantly negative way. Maybe that should be my new goal? I don't know. I don't know how to move forward from where I am.

This morning I'm dealing with an amazingly deep level of exhaustion. It's impacting my decision making, attitude, and outlook. It's raining and my kids are leaving all the lights on. I've wanted to nod off several times while typing this. And it's Monday. Mondays are my heavy hitting days. It's mostly me and the kids. And later, a quiet house full of sleeping children that I'm solely responsible for that I try to fill up with snacks. Feeling horrible today.

I'm only avoiding a little.

I found I didn't want to deal with this yesterday. I'm not sure how to deal with yesterday. It was a party day, full of snack foods and junk. It was stressful and I'm exhausted. I think it started out going OK. I stuck with my breakfast goal and managed to keep my portions at lunch reasonable. As the day went on (as usual) the portions grew and I got worse. Overall, I've had worse party days. But I've had better days in general. I think it was a little bit easier because I was very sore from Friday's workout - that soreness helped remind me that I'm working on this process. I also took a huge risk and wore a top that I feel is too small. It isn't too small, and I think it looked OK, but I was very uncomfortable in it. It was a big challenge.

I can't make too many comments about today because the day is long from over. But I did manage to start out on the right foot with another workout. I'm already starting to feel it - I'm going to be sore tomorrow. But I have it on reasonable authority that it's worth it. I'll let you know.

It's late. Keeping it simple.

No breakfast today. I just never got around to it. Lunch was a rushed deal, and so I skipped the usual junk food accompaniment. Dinner was with company and I had reasonable portions. I passed on the freedom snack after bedtime.

All would be good if it weren't for the afternoon when I broke down and ate a bunch of pretzels and a LOT of m&ms. I just can't manage to get through one day where I control this breakdown cycle. I need to do something but I don't know what. Or I do know but I'm not willing to accept it. It's late and I'm not sure.

Yesterday's exercise was apparently pretty productive based on the screaming protest in my muscles. I was initially focused on doing another work out today but I just didn't find the time. I've honestly just been going all day with one thing or another (even if that one thing was eating too many bits of chocolate candy goodness).

So tired. So much to do.

I'm unpredictable. Like a goldfish.

Back to (what was supposed to be) the regularly scheduled programming. Daily report: Not so bad. I struggled this afternoon with the desire to snack endlessly, despite feeling not-hungry. I did give in here and there but not to the extremes I usually exhibit. But it was hard. I spent too much time just standing in the kitchen, staring at food, and waging war with myself.

I was amazingly productive - for part of the day, anyway. I worked outside a lot today and greatly enjoyed the sunshine and soft breeze. The best part was seeing the kids hang out and have a good time doing normal kid things. We got out the sidewalk chalk and pictures were drawn. Hopscotch was played. Battles were waged, won or lost. Gumballs were thrown. It was good.

I feel like I should be more excited about my day, or more pleased with my progress, or something. I just feel kind of apathetic about it. Better than being really negative, I guess.

I did do something new today. I unwrapped that exercise DVD, put it in, and worked it for awhile. I was willing to keep going, but Oliver decided I was finished about 25 min into the program. By then, I'd worked up a sweat, got my heart going, and generally felt like I'd done something good. My legs are feeling the burn. I'm pleased about this, but in a quiet way.

Last night went badly. Not in a food way, but in general. I ended up taking the migraine pills again. It's been a long time since I've taken them two days in a row like that and I think it really messed with me. I lost my ability to focus, to coherently converse, and to function beyond a almost-asleep state. I'm not sure if it was the back to back impact of the medication (though there's no contra-indicators about that), the lack of sleep, or some weird combination of everything. I will think twice, though, about taking the pills like that again. As a matter of fact, I got up about 4am with my head splitting again and opted for regular over the counter stuff. Those medications plus some sleep dulled it enough to make life bearable today.

I feel like I've permanently damaged my brain. I don't know why I feel that way. I just do.

This really isn't about food, but I'm going to write it anyway.

Last week I imploded. It's left me confused and frustrated. There's nothing in particular that I can see or understand as being a trigger for this problem. In many ways it was a good week. There are a lot of good things that happened last week. Several things that were going on worked out really well. All told, on the surface it seems that life was good. And yet I imploded.

I feel like I've plateaued in this whole process. My progress feels... lacking. Breakfast has been going well and I don't usually even have to think of it anymore. But it feels false because I haven't taken it any further. I was - for awhile - able to reflect on my day and feel like I could make some kind of judgement. Not an objective judgment, no, but I sincerely felt like it was close to objective. I've lost that ability/feeling. I'm back in a place where all I can see is the failures of my day instead of any success. And things that felt successful last week just don't feel that way anymore.

It's hard to know how everything is connected. A few days into this implosion, I found myself being plagued by migraines. Enough to go to the med cabinet and haul out the prescription migraine pills - a combo of acetaminophen, caffeine, and barbituates. On top of the chemical input of the meds, there's the migraine itself to deal with. Frankly, they're exhausting. It's not just a matter of a headache that comes and goes. It pounds away at me, making me increasingly ineffective, indecisive. Once that part is over, there's the hangover. I feel fragile and afraid that moving too quickly will bring it all back - and worse.

I was talking about this migraine experience the other day with my therapist (oh yes, I have one). She made a point of calling attention to the fact that migraines are a chronic problem in my life. I know this shouldn't be so surprising, as I've had them for over half my life. But I just don't think about it that way. Chronic pain carries a lot along with it. There's a sense of hopelessness, depression... knowing that it becomes an issue of management instead of just pushing through until it's better... There's a lot going on there. Thankfully the meds have gotten better in the last decade. Unfortunately, I can't take most of them while pregnant/nursing, which leaves me with the less than ideal current combo. I digress. I think. I'm still so scatterbrained.

This whole conversation transitioned into a discussion about my ongoing depressive cycles. Is my depression chronic? Should we be considering ultimate management instead of "cure?" What does all that mean, anyway? Does chronic depression make this process of therapy, food management, growth/change/maturity - does chronic depression make these things pointless?

No... ultimately, no. These things are important aspects of management, even if there is no cure or ever will be.

I'm left in this strange place where I don't know how to move forward and I'm not content to stay where I am. I'm working on it.

I've lost all sense of focus.

I was going to write here tonight but I find I lack the necessary focus. I'm scattered across some serious thoughts and haven't figured out how to settle down into something cohesive. It's too scattered even for some kind of rambling stream of barely connected explanations.

I feel like I've imploded. But the laundry is done, the kids clean, fed, and educated, and I haven't burned the house down yet. So I guess I'm overanalyzing things.

I'm going to try to sleep. Maybe this will make more sense later.

I used to believe my own lies. Now I just don't see the truth.

No, I haven't been on some awesome sunny vacation with beautiful tropical drinks and miles of ocean. Except in my head.

I've got no excuse. I could probably try laying some out there and they would sound good. Plausible at worst and understandable at best. But here's the thing: it would be a lie. I'm not writing because I'm discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed. [That's my clever attempt to distract through alliterations.]

For the last handful of days I've gotten worse. I haven't stopped caring about this whole food process thing but I have stopped trying to fix it. Today, I even thought "I just want to eat breakfast" and then proceeded to blow the 200 calorie guide.

I don't know what to say or think. I honestly sincerely and completely want to change some big things about myself and I'm just not making any progress. With brutal honesty I can say that right now I'm feeling very negative. I'm fat and eat anyway. I don't know why I think I can change this or why I bother trying. I can't hardly stand the sight of my own self. How bad does this have to be before I put the oreos away and try for a little exercise?

So, no daily report, no success list, no moderation... just a whole lot of falling down and whining from the floor.

My cat is an optimist. I could learn from her.

It's evening. The kids are all in bed. The house is relatively quiet. Dinner has been cooked and eaten, with the dirty dishes taunting me from the kitchen. I'm tired but not ready to give up and go to bed. This is a prime snacking time. I'm thinking about it - what are my choices? What sounds/tastes/feels good? What kind of drink will go with it? And I often think about it for however long it takes. Until my brain stumbles across the "perfect" combination and I head for the kitchen. It's not about being hungry. It's usually not even about having a bad/good day. This whole experience is so habitual.

Though I have had a bad day. I snacked too much, and it doesn't even half count as OK because the fresh fruit was smothered in hot fudge sauce. Man, it was tasty. I'm only half regretful - it was so good.

Well, more than half.

I'm sitting here thinking about sleeping and feeling like I just can't face any of it. Going to bed means getting up in the morning. Moving from the couch means there's some kind of plan. Climbing into bed means I'm really not going to do anything else on the list today. An amazing number of those things are going to be waiting for me in the morning.

I wish I knew why this was so hard. Why some days I feel so out of balance with myself and the rest of the world. I feel crazy, in a lazy quiet way.

Remember Billy Blanks? Yeah, me too.

The other day I compensated. Instead of eating my way through the afternoon, I cooked my way through it. I did this once last week, too. I suppose this would be an OK way to deal with the situation if it weren't for the obvious problem: Now there's more tasty food. For breakfast the last two days I've had some homemade pumpkin bread. Doubtful that it's in my calorie range but at least pumpkin is one of those superfoods... right? I'm not so stressed about the calorie count, though, as I am about the fact that after finishing my serving I still want MORE. Am I still hungry? Yes. Well. I'm not really hungry but nor am I full. Comfortably or uncomfortably. But having more bread or something else seems inappropriate. It seems like it would be failure - I've had my breakfast and in my head I should stop. I was able to deal with this yesterday because breakfast happened in the car on my way somewhere, and by the time I got home again I had it back under control. Today doesn't offer me that out so I'm here instead, because I've been skipping the blog thing.

In the end, yesterday was an OK kind of a day. I didn't snack, though my meal portions were still too big. I'm not exercising. I'm beginning to feel like I really need to start doing something more physical in order to reinforce the good eating habits. After all, what's the point if I'm still horribly out of shape, right? But I've got a lit a mile long why I can't (won't) get moving. Once I start moving, I keep going for a little while before stumbling again. It's a terrible cycle. I'm frustrated with myself.

I can report a success, though. Yesterday on the way home I was having something of a meltdown. I wasn't ready to cry but it was close. I was hungry. I was feeling all shaky. The kids were pushing my buttons. They were hungry, too. We were going to get home just barely in time. I had previously planned on feeding everyone leftovers, even cooking dinner the night before with that plan. So fixing dinner wasn't going to be difficult. But I was so tempted to run through some fast food place. I kept thinking "a hamburger sounds awesome." The fast food kind, so very bad for me, and so tasty. But I didn't give in. Knowing I had a plan for dinner, knowing that I'm trying so hard to make this process work, I stuck to my goal. That felt pretty good.

I was looking around my house yesterday and realizing how much junk food there is laying around. Admittedly, it's much higher than usual (leftover from a recent party), but I was considering cleaning it all out and getting rid of it. On the theory that if it isn't here, I won't eat it. The problem with that approach is that I know myself. In the past, if it isn't here I just think about it all the time. I make excuses to acquire it. Then I usually overindulge when I do get a hold of it. I don't think avoidance in the answer for me. I think the only way I'll ever gain some control over this is if I learn moderation.

Instead of continuing to ramble in an almost nonsensical way, I'm going to wander off and jump start the day. Or try to. Today's secret reveal: I bought an exercise DVD yesterday. It's a throwback to one that was very popular about 12-13 years ago. And way back then, I had the VHS version. I actually really enjoyed the routine and after a month or so found myself taking significant measure to make sure I had time to work it- like getting up 30 min earlier in the morning before work. A lot of things disrupted the habit and I never got back into it. But I enjoyed it at the time. Plus, the DVDs were on clearance. So far, I've taken it out of the bag. But my eventual goal is to actually open it! Imagine!

Ambivalence.

I've lost track of where I am. In a general sense and specifically in posting to this blog. I've had three nights in a row that were less interrupted. It's good, and it's hopeful, but it's a rough transition. I'm rested enough to feel how tired I am. I know it doesn't make sense but it's true. Today I let go and laid down. The kids were amazing and let me sleep for awhile. The downside is that I struggle with waking up and getting going again. After my nap, I completely lost my head and ate half a package of graham crackers. Afterwards, I just felt ill.

The last few days I haven't felt as caught up in the craving for food. I'm not sure what the why or how in all of it. It could be the exhaustion, or the meds kicking in full force, or the slow rebalance of my hormone levels. It could be that I'm slowly starting to get my bearings on some of this food stuff. But I doubt the last reason. I can't imagine that a lifetime of bad habits and poor choices can be undone this quickly.

Also, a sign that things aren't miraculously better: last night I had a run in with my father. The details are unimportant. The point is that it was a negative thing and I didn't deal well with the situation. I reverted to my usual coping mechanism and had my freedom snack, late, even though I wasn't hungry and didn't even want it. It was awful. I hated it.

This post feels all stuttered and painful. I've been sitting here for 30 minutes and it just feels... ugly.

OK. Trying to move on...
The last two days I've been fairly productive. Six loads of laundry, two dinners from scratch, two full days of school lessons... I'm sure there's more, but it has all run together.

In the end, I think I'm just done.

I'm too tired to be clever, but at least I'm honest.

Superbowl. One word or two? One of the greatest snacking events, right?

I figured it would be a bad day. Lots of food laying around. Good tasty stuff, too. Most of it junk, which is my favorite kind. But once again, I was surprised. It wasn't too bad. Or even very bad. It was actually... kind of good.

I didn't snack much at all yesterday. Thinking back on the day, I can't remember any snacks. I'm sure I had some, because that's what I do, but it was very little. Once the food made it's way out, I fixed a plate. I ate what I had chosen and didn't go back for more. I didn't even eat right away, waiting until I was hungry. I over indulged in the sweet stuff, sure, but I walked away from the food spread before I was uncomfortably full. And it wasn't even that hard to do.

I wonder what makes the difference. Why was it so easy yesterday and so hard the other day? Sometimes I just think it's a way of protecting myself - I'd go crazy, I think, if it was so hard every day. I feel like there are some days I just sort of check out of this whole thing and go quiet. It's a good quiet, though, not a bad depressed kind of quiet.

Moving on. The last two nights have been the best sleep I've gotten in months. Two nights in a row! Amazing! This is very exciting, mainly because it gives me hope that some day I'll feel normal again. Unfortunately, two nights doesn't fix the current sleep deprived state. It took a year and half to get this bad and will take a long time to come out of it again. But hope is a funny thing and carries you through a lot.

Hmmm. I was in a very good mood yesterday. I had the above mentioned hope, I got to spend the entire day with some of my favorite people, I was able to visit with some old friends, I took some positive steps. Coincidence that the food thing seemed easier? Highly doubtful. I'm not surprised I didn't make this connection above (sometimes it's very hard for me to see obvious things) but I'm glad I've made it now.

Moving along again. I've reformatted my 'to do' list, visually. It makes the line item list look shorter. In some ways that makes it feel more manageable. In other ways, I find it hard to believe that I can condense everything to such a short list. Good? Bad? I don't know. But I need a lot of things checked off today. It's Monday, and it's time to set the tone for the week.

Running the gauntlet.

I've lost track of what day it is. Snow has completely altered my personal schedule several times this week and I'm all discombobulated. One might say my schedule is askew.

Warning: I'm a little punch-drunk tired. The last two weeks have had a heavy toll and there's not much end in sight. Also, for some crazy reason my kids have started getting up earlier. The older two don't bother me much, but that comes with a cost. Guilt. Hard to believe that I'd feel guilty about anything but it's true. I feel bad that I'm not awake and functioning. I'm also too tired to take on that change, so I try to mitigate my guilt by thinking "It's good for them to be independent." Ha.

I'm also feeling a little crazy-giddy. I'm not sure why, except for the punch-drunk tired thing. I keep thinking my glasses are all messed up, but my eyes are too tired to focus right. And I'm having some kind of weird psychosomatic reaction to seeing a mouse in the house - it feels like it's skittering across my feet all the time. As you can imagine, this does not make for happy bedtime thoughts. So. There's the setup for where I'm at right now. This post probably would have sounded different an hour ago, or written in the morning, but too bad. I'm here now.

I could focus on the failures of my day, but I'm not. I'm going to yell the successes with all my might. Because today, today I feel like it. Today, I feel successful.

Breakfast: Goal met. [Side note: I've missed having a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast because it's not in my goal. I'm now compromising. Half a bagel, of which half has butter and half has cream cheese IS in my goal. So now I can have the bagel and cream cheese again. Yeah!]
Lunch: Too many chips. But NO snacks between these meals. Unless you count my has-calories coffee, and I don't. I need coffee to be part of my day right now. Just go with it.
Dinner: A bit too heavy on portions, but I over-portioned on fruit. So it feels a little bit better than usual. And only very minor snacking between lunch and dinner.

But here's the coup de grace: I survived the grocery store.

A bit of serious backstory, in order for the success to be fully appreciated. A while back I discovered that my closest major grocery sells "small" slices of cake. I love cake. I've stopped in there just to get some cake. They also sell some very tasty cookies. Plus all the other junk found in the grocery. I'm ashamed to say this, but I can't tell you the number of times I've run to the grocery by myself, wolfed two large cookies in the car on the way home, and then thrown away the wrappers in the dumpster out back before coming inside. And then have dessert with everyone else. Actually, remembering that and trying to confront it makes me want to cry. So I'm going to move on, assuming that's enough set up.

I went to this store tonight. On the way there I made a decision. I was going to get a piece of cake. No cookies. No other snack food. And later, I would enjoy my cake while the rest of the family enjoyed their ice cream. And I would not have ice cream.

Guess what! Guess! Guess!!!!

I did it. I bought one slice of cake. I lingered at the cookies, but walked away without any. I stared at the candy but left it all on the shelf. I did purchase a diet soda, so I'd have something in the car, but I'm not counting that as failure. When I got home, I ate a little more than half of my cake. I did not have any ice cream.

I set a goal. I met my goal. I did it. Really, honest, transparent, no spinning of the tale. Just plain success.

Bonus: I used the stairs in the parking garage, both down AND up. Four flights. I'm very pleased to report that I was able to move at a steady pace up all four flights without pause (though if it had been five flights, I would had to slow down or take a break).

Tonight, I ran the gauntlet. And I came out the other side better for it.

A lifetime of enjoying junk food.

I grew up eating food that was bad for me. Sandwiches always came with chips. Dinners usually consisted of an entree, starch, and vegetable. The entree was often fried and the vegetable almost always out of a can. Snack food was junk food. Fresh fruit was limited to apples, oranges, or bananas and those weren't always available. As a young adult, I started drinking soda. Dinner time was fraught with peril: one sister constantly told (firmly) to slow down, I was constantly told (firmly) to speed up, and we weren't allowed to leave the table unless we ate everything off our plate.

But how many people grow up eating that way and manage their adult food intake just fine? I'm sure some do. Just like some kids can grow up with an alcoholic parent and not become one themselves, I'm sure that some kids mature out of their bad diet and don't suffer. But, by the same analogy, some kids grow up with an alcoholic parent and then become alcoholics themselves. I'm part of that second category, where I haven't let go of my junk food lifestyle. Interestingly, I think one of my sisters is like me - still living the junk food - but one of them matured out of it.

I've tried really hard to break the cycle for my kids. Lunch comes with a fruit or vegetable, not chips. Dinner is served with a fruit AND a vegetable, and starches only appear once a week or so. Snacks are things like yogurt, fruit (fresh or dried), and vegetables. We're not terribly strict: they are familiar with chips and like them, my 3yr old adores popcorn, and a small sweet is almost always part of their day. I'm looking for a moderate approach. Instead of just banning it all, I've tried to focus on portion control. I've tried to teach them that the junk food has a very small role in their diet. I've exposed them to a large range of fresh fruits and vegetables, in multiple presentations. I've tried to teach them balance and choice: a piece of cake now means no sweets later, but a small sweet means a small sweet later.

It's hard. It is very hard to work on giving the kids this base while still working on my own. "Do as I say, not as I do." I hope they don't resent my hypocrisy.

Friday was a day of success and failure. Less snacking in between meals but overeating at the meal. Still constantly thinking about it all. I'm frustrated, feeling like I should be further along in this process now. It was difficult for me to commit to a breakfast limit/goal. But I did, and I stuck with it. Now, breakfast is mostly easy to tackle without overeating or feeling crazy. The plan was that when breakfast was "settled" I'd move on to another aspect, like lunch or the in between snacking. But the next moving on step has me very intimidated. It seems like those next steps will be much harder than breakfast. I'm scared of failing, because failure brings me down so far.

In a side note, I don't own a weight scale (or, not a reliable one, anyway). I don't want to own one. I don't want to know. I'd like to spin it and say something like "This way, I stay focused on my goal of changing habits, not distracted by weight loss or gain." There's a kernel of truth to that. But I'm also just afraid to confront the numbers.

Winter season tries to kill me. Every year. But worse this year.

Good news: I didn't need my light therapy box today. The clouds have finally moved on. The snow and ice are everywhere, creating a hugely bright environment. It felt warmer than it was, just because I needed my sunglasses while I was driving. This is good because I'm not using my light therapy box as I should be and needed some daylight. I'm pretty sure I need to go back to my old style box but I'm now watching prices to try to find something in budget.

I've spent most of my day wearing my brand new fancy bracelet (bought on the very cheap) that doesn't go with my fleece and jeans. But I don't care because it's new and I like it.

The rest of the day was OK. Again, not great. Too many cookies, too much snacking. I did substitute carrots in this afternoon, but it only half counts because I dipped them in ranch dip to make them tasty. Really enjoyed a simple dinner, though. One that was pretty healthy and reasonable in portions. Except that I ate too much of the banana apple salad. It was tasty. Too tasty, and I lost my head.

My brain has been working overtime today trying to think through a host of problems. I'm not sure where I'm going right now in several ways. It leaves me feeling frustrated and a little confused. I do better with a clear plan. So I made a plan specific to this evening, but I'm not going forward with it. Since making the plan and arriving at execution time, I've started feeling ill (again!). I've caught the head cold the boys are fighting. Wish us luck. Survival might be in question. How long can one family stay sick, anyway? Wait - please don't tell me.

I need a reason to pick up my book "Thin Within" again. I'm taking suggestions.

I'd write more (maybe) but I got a new book yesterday and it's a long one. Many pages still to go, and the hour is late.

But first: a positive list.
I am .... a great appreciator of a talented musician.
I am .... thoughtful.
I am .... teaching my children to love to learn.
I am .... here. Being present.
I am .... making our world go 'round.

If I were wearing boots with straps, I'd try to pull on them.

I skipped writing yesterday. It felt too overwhelming. I haven't been doing well and yesterday I just wanted to float on by all of this. So I did.

The weird thing is that yesterday went pretty well. OK. That might be stretching it. But it went better. I stuck with my breakfast goal. I had a reasonable lunch and dinner. For dinner, I waited until I was hungry. I did snack, but fairly lightly compared to my usual intake. I just didn't want to look at the whole thing yesterday. I wanted to pretend it was all just OK.

It's not all OK, not by any means. Part of this situation is that I live it every day. It's always factoring into my thinking time. "Have I eaten too much? Am I really hungry? Where's that chocolate I want so badly? Can I make a cake?" You get the idea. And it's not just about me. I went to the grocery store yesterday and that's a whole lot of extra stuff. "Is this the best purchase choice? Who's going to eat this - me, or my family? How can I pace myself?" Add to that the stress of feeling so responsible for every one's nutrition, responsible for the budget, and juggling the chore with a grumpy 1 yr old in tow. My last stop, I held together mainly on the promise of purchasing candy at the check out aisle. I was going through the snack aisle and looking at cookies, and said "No, I'll get some M&Ms on the way out." Same through the baked goods aisle. And freezer aisle.

It all came together, though, and I didn't get any candy. Not through any conscious choice, mind you. I was unloading my groceries, juggling Oliver, trying to hurry because the cashier was waiting for me. And I just kind of forgot the candy. But I'll take it as a win anyway, even if it wasn't deliberate. Being able to forget is a win all by itself.

So, the daily report a day late: yesterday wasn't too bad. I think that sums it all up.

In other news: I've taken stock of my responsibilities. I cannot do them all. I'm tired of straining and stressing trying to get it all done. I'm tired. I'm not helping anyone to my satisfaction. So I've decided some things must go. I've made a big change and next week it will result in a very different setup for my daily routine. I think this is good. I'm looking forward to it. But I'm also struggling because it feels like I've failed. I'm trying to see the success: I identified a problem (I'm overworked), I came to a reasonable and acceptable solution (I've shifted part of my workload elsewhere), and I put the plan into action (starts next week). This is a healthy and great method. But I feel like I've failed because I committed to something and now have had to back out. It's so hard to feel free of this thinking. It's so hard to rewire my brain. It's also hard to accept that I'm worthwhile enough to be entitled to saying "No." That's a real problem.

I am going to try to write about today later. I need to keep going, even if I fall down.

I've got nothing.

Same old thing going on over here. Lists that are amazingly unfinished. Snacks eaten all day long. Tired. Frustrated. Not making anything work today.

I think it will get better. Eventually.

I'm a zombie.

The lack of sleep in my life these days is notable. I've been running short on regular sleep (by which I mean a sleep pattern that fits my needs, 5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep to start the night followed by 3-4 hours of a second wave of uninterrupted sleep). I haven't been able to fully embrace this natural pattern for 8 years. My oldest has a very different natural pattern, much more restless, and it set the tone from her infancy on. There are times when it's been better, and briefly when it was worse, than it is now.

One of our primary problems for the last 3 months has been ongoing sickness. Coughs, stuffy noses, bronchitis, flu, stomach flu - we've had it all. I've had it all. So in addition to being woken by Oliver's natural sleep patterns (more restless than mine), I've been woken for illness related reasons. While being ill myself or trying to recover from illness.

I know this is a constant refrain... but - I'm so very tired.

I spent today (and yesterday) eating endlessly. I think about all the techniques I've tried to incorporate in the last month. I set a goal for myself for each meal. I think it through, knowing how frustrated I'm going to feel with myself. And still, I just eat. And eat.

Like a zombie, I'm just moving from one source of food to another, mindlessly inhaling my way through calories/flavors/textures/meals.

I've spent today thinking about the difference between today and last week. I'm so discouraged today. I'm not hungry, but I'm so hungry. And I keep coming back to this: I'm tired. It's made me wonder: how is sleep deprivation impacting my ability to control my appetite? So I did what any good Internet user will do and looked it up online. Multiple sources indicate that sleep deprivation messes with a ton of stuff, including hormone balances that are related to appetite and weight gain. Add that to the cognitive disability, and I wonder if today is so much worse because I haven't been able to sleep much the last 4 or 5 nights.

Or is all of this an excuse?

Daily report: breakfast has shifted a little. I got tired of eating corn flakes (after 2 weeks) and opened up the Apple Jacks. It's a cereal the whole family agrees on. Also, my 200 cal breakfast has been leaving me really hungry. So I gave up the milk in the cereal so I could have extra cereal. I shifted to a calorie free drink to go with it on the side. I actually think this is bad: it promotes the "snacking" idea as I eat more, eat it by hand, and go repeatedly from bowl to mouth. Like eating popcorn or chips for breakfast. I think I need to change this again. Tomorrow's plan: an omelet with the leftover sausage from dinner the other day. Uses up leftovers, breaks the cereal/sweet cycle, and isn't remotely snack-like. We'll see how it goes.

The rest of the day: awful. Trail mix. Snack mix. Lunch. Dinner. Candy. Chips. Horrible.

I haven't read my "Thin Within" book for days. Or the support emails that goes with it. I feel like I'm too far behind now to go back, which is just negative assessment. I feel like I have to start over, which really isn't true either. I'd like to go back to this, and I even know how: just take a deep breath and open the book. But it's much easier said than done.

OK. I'm going to end with some good stuff. Success list. 1. Managed 4 children most of the day. 2 Provided a cooked from scratch healthy meal for my family. 3. Washed/dried and folded 4 loads of laundry. 4. Wrote on my blog again. 5. Completed all schedule school lesson. 6. Spent 30 minutes dramatically belting out old gospel songs for the amusement of my kids.

Off to sleep.

It's a new day, right? *snort*

I didn't post yesterday because I was busy hiding from myself. I do that a lot. I don't succeed very well, but I keep trying. I'm stubborn that way.

One year ago, I was out with a friend, spending some time before Oliver's arrival took up so much attention. While we were out, innocently going about our business, another driver made a stupid decision. The resulting crashed totaled my friend's brand new car, caused her almost a year's worth of physical pain, and freaked everybody out. The bruising I suffered made it very difficult for me to go about my daily life - making this household work - and made me realize how hard it was going to be once we had a newborn in our house again. That realization triggered a little mini-breakdown. I was so anxious and stressed out about how I was going to manage three children. I had nightmares for weeks about the house burning down, about losing my children at the store, or other disaster scenarious. I'd lay in bed at 3 am and just cry.

And here we are, a year later. Oliver is 11 months old. The laundry is regularly washed, dinner is cooked, the house is cleaned, and we're still just going about our business. Everyone is generally well cared for and certainly loved. We have three kids and I manage OK. Not always great (or even good) but we make it work.

Bear with me, I'm trying to tie this all together but it's a mess in my head.

Yesterday, I had lunch with that same friend. Realizing that it was almost exactly a year to the day that we'd had this car wreck experience, I came up with the brilliant idea that we should revisit the restaurant we'd lunched at before. Lunch was tasty, and the conversation rambling. A few quick errands together and I dropped her off at home all safe and sound. Then I ate my way through the rest of the day. I went to bed, but had trouble sleeping because I couldn't short circuit the anxiety cycle in my brain. What was so upsetting? In retrospect, I think that my decision to revisit the restaurant really stressed out my friend. And I feel so bad about that. I enjoy hanging out with her. Truly, I don't have a lot of friends (though the ones I do have are amazing) and I'm pretty sure I really alienated her yesterday. I didn't mean to. But I was wrong. I think. And my paranoia and anxiety just kept building.

Like always, I tried to stuff it down with food, but I just ended up hating myself more in the end.

Now. On to something equally rambling and related in a vague/chronological way.

As I was laying in bed, thinking about how I had made this serious misstep with my friend and how much I wanted to apologize, I was distracted by Oliver. He's very congested and the last two night have been very bad. No sleep to be had. He wants to nurse to feel better, but then as he's nursing he can't breathe very well due to the snot. It's frustrating and exhausting but he'll get better and eventually we'll all be OK. Things got much better for me in the wee hours of the morning when Marc just took Oliver away and I went to sleep.

Oliver entered into my evening when I was already riding that anxiety-crazy cycle. I was overly full, upset, and generally not mentally well. So as I'm trying to deal with him, I kept remembering when we went through somthing like this with Xavier. Only Xavier was about 2 months old and had to admitted to the hospital for oxygen level monitoring, IV fluids/medication, and wall suction (to get the snot out of his nose). We were only in for about a day and half. You can stay as long as you want with them, but the only place to sleep is a recliner. After days of going through all of this at home, I was exhausted. During admitting I couldn't remember important facts. Some friends showed up to support us and I just cried. The hospital preformed a spinal tap - I couldn't even wait outside the room for them to finish, I had to go to a different part of the hospital. And you know what? This whole experience was awful. I color the event by thinking: we weren't in the hospital that long, I'm so glad it was such a minor illness, it all worked out OK. And all of those things are true. But hidden in that is the essential truth: my kid was sick, it made me feel lost and helpless, and the entire experience was emotionally challenging. And when I try to face this truth I get upset all over again. Even though everything turned out OK. Because I have never really faced this truth. So it sits there, waiting.

Somehow, truly admitting to myself and others how much these "minor" incidents in life upset me feels like a disaster in the making. I'm still waiting for the time when the "black" mood days, when the anxiety creeps up, when I go a little too crazy. For just a moment, I'm going to try to set aside the euphamisms and be transparent: Once, 11 years ago, I was so depressed and anxiety riddled that I was slowly killing myself through starvation and actively contemplating speeding up the process with a chemical overdose. I haven't gotten close to that place since I came out of it 11 years ago, though I do find myself struggling from time to time with depression. But having lived through that experience, I live in fear that I'll fall into it again. And this time I'll drag all the people I love with me, and that's even worse.

Typing this post is so hard. My stomach hurts, my muscles are tense, my head aches. This is the truth. Inside, mentally, I'm a mess. I can't even go back and reread for typos.

I think this post probably belongs over on my other blog, the one where I embrace my freaked out mental self a little bit more. Sorry.

So. Back to the food thing. I ate my way through my problems yesterday and feel lousy for it. I woke up with those problems this morning but I stuck with my breakfast goals. The hard part will be letting go and not eating my way through today. I'll probably be back tonight with an update. Maybe. If I can face it. Thanks.

Staring blankly ahead.

For once, I'm not thinking about food. I'm just thinking about sleep. It's been a very long week.

I simply cannot keep up the current pace I've set for myself. I find I'm missing things, and those things are important to me. I know there isn't time for everything, but I thought I had gotten better at managing and prioritizing. Even with my fancy time/task management system, even with my best effort, I just cannot continue on this way. The hard part is knowing what to get rid of and how best to move it on from my life.

On a more specific thought: last month I received a new light therapy device. My youngest child smashed the (very expensive) bulb on the one I used before and I was very excited about the new one. Light therapy devices have changed a lot since I bought mine awhile back. My new device is a blue light spectrum box, small, easily used/understood, not painfully bright. The downside is that I can't use it the same way as the old box, and that's becoming problematic. I either need to go back to the old device (or something like it) or make proper use of the new one a huge priority. Just to clarify, I don't have seasonal affective disorder (SAD) but I do find myself very susceptible to the shortened/darkened days of winter. Plus, the therapy box helps me stay on schedule for sleep. Anyone else using a light box? Any comments?

Moving on.
When I walked into the kitchen this morning, I found a bowl full of milk on the counter. Ari had fixed some cereal for breakfast and added way too much milk, then left it (instead of drinking it). We don't buy sugar-laden cereals or even allow the kids to have them, but several of the cereals the kids enjoy aren't in my calorie count. Ari's cereal was one of these. I have to admit, I added my bland old cornflakes to her sweetened milk. Within my 200 calories? Probably not. But I'm counting it anyway because before the bowl was empty I was full - and I stopped eating and threw the rest out!

That bears repeating: I stopped eating breakfast before the bowl was empty, because I was full.

Success pretty much ends there, I think. Oh, except I didn't eat any chips with lunch. And my "freedom snack" was just a glass of unsweetened iced tea. So I guess there's more good stuff. I did overeat at dinner and at a snack this afternoon.

Must sleep now. And drink more iced tea. Very thirsty.

Putting my head down and marching right along.

I need a new refrain. So here it is. Today's success list.

1. Completed school lessons. 2. Managed 4 children. 3. Marked over half of my morning's to do list as complete. 4. Cooked dinner (from scratch). 5.

There's no 5. Making that list didn't help. It's a surprisingly short list, though it encompasses so much more.

OK. On to something new. There's a backstory here but I'm not going to go into it. But I'm inspired tonight to write a "positive list."

I am .... articulate.
I am .... passionate.
I am .... committed to improving myself.
I am .... in love with my family.
I am .... a solid friend.

These things, they are good.

Today, without thinking, I stuck to my breakfast goals. It feels normal. I didn't think that could happen.

I'm trying to be positive today though I'm not feeling it. I've actually been pretty darned good today but I'm not getting anything good out of the experience. But I'm hungry now, actually really hungry, not just seeking a freedom snack*. So I'm out of here to eat something, legitimately.

*freedom snack: The snack I like to have when I come downstairs after getting all the kids in bed. It's usually high calorie/ high fat junk food that I don't like to eat in front of the kids because I'm setting such a bad example.

Losing steam.

I'm faltering. I haven't done my reading for the last few days. Today I gave in and just went with it all instead of trying to enact change. I'm tired. Frustrated. Losing hope that I can actually succeed.

I'd like to write about good things - and there are some from today - but I'm not much of an optimist in general, and certainly not tonight. The good things just don't seem as important right now. So instead, I'm just all whiny.

I wonder what's hanging around my neck and pulling me down. Possible answers include: 1. Total of 6 hours of sleep (interrupted), preceded by two nights of 7 hours or less. 2. Fighting off a migraine. 3. The cycle of failure is winning. 4. I feel like this is all some kind of void. I can't remember the point. 5. I've used up all my effort and am just phoning it in.

Probably, all those answers are factors in tonight's negativity.

One last ditch effort to end on an up-note: I kept in my breakfast range. I left food on my plate at lunch (a huge accomplishment for me). I had a reasonable dinner portion. I marked most of today's to do list as done. I got to hang with some of my favorite people.

Going through the list, I'm dismayed that in spite of this I still feel so lousy.

What do you all do when you're feeling this way? What makes it better? I'm open to suggestions.

Little nagging things I carry through the day.

Sometimes, the inside of my ear itches. I keep rubbing the outside, or bouncing my head back and forth, or covering up the outer ear, but it still itches. It will continue to just itch. Until whatever nerve is misfiring stops and the itch magically disappears.

Assuming, of course, that I don't puncture my ear drum with a sharp object in a fit of mental incapacity. And that it's not actually some kind of alien attaching itself to my cochlea in an effort to understand human speech.

Back to the ear itch. It will drive me crazy. It nags, irritates, annoys. It's not a huge thing, except in my helplessness. I just have to wait it out. The irritation builds. Until I want to poke pencil into my brain.

So. This food thing? It's like that. My desire for the next thing to eat is always there. Nagging. Irritating. The "pencil in the brain" equivalent is to just give in and eat something. Usually something really bad for me. Somehow, I don't see the act of eating something as traumatic, life altering, or injurious as a punctured ear drum. I vaguely suspect that if I did see eating like that, I wouldn't be struggling this way.

On to less rambling things...

I had a bad day. I won't go into the details, but I fell down a lot. I didn't break my face, but I did bruise it a little. I had some limited success and it's very hard to hold on to it right now.

I'm trying to recalibrate my understanding of "hungry" and "full." The "Thin Within" guide goes like this: on a scale from 0-10, with 0 being "hungry" and 10 being "really uncomfortably stuffed. I'm supposed to eat when I'm at a 0 and try to stop when I'm at a 5. But when I'm at a 0, I can't function. I can make decisions. I often end up eating something in desperation, then eating more faster, and the cycle kicks in. So I think I need to give up on the 0. Maybe eat at a 1 or 1.5. It's possible that as time goes on I can shift to 0. I don't know.

I'm a sugar junkie. When I'm a zero on the scale, I actually have tremors. Realizing this has been a very frightening experience. I'm confronted with how bad I've let this get. Hopefully, with consistent ongoing effort I can improve this situation.

I was supposed to start my success list at the end of each day. I failed. New habit: not actually started. I'll work on it. I still think it's a good idea.

That's all folks.

Rambling.

Sometimes I feel split in half. There's the functional me. This functional part succeeded today. Lessons taught, homework checked, children fed, laundry washed. The functional me fixed dinner, managed when the dryer stopped working, took a shower, changed diapers. Functional me keeps this world going around.

Then there's the other part of me. The crazy part. The mental me. Mental me is busy thinking about food, or freaking out, or stuck on the anxiety train. Mental me spends some of my day - every day... EVERY day - screaming. Just screaming.

I've had these two halves for a long time. I've tried all sorts of things to make the mental me calm. I've had good and bad coping mechanisms. More bad than good in the past. I've set a lot of those bad things aside and started replacing them with good coping mechanisms. Except for food. I still try to stop the screaming with food. It's not as obviously a negative coping mechanism but it is negative. Left alone, I will eat myself into oblivion.

That's hard for me to say. It's all hard for me to say. It's hard to look at all of it and be honest. Clear.

On to less rambling. Breakfast: mixed success. Kept within my calorie count for actual breakfast but within an hour added calorie heavy coffee. Struggling with trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat. Struggling to stay on task. Trying to let go of all my failure and see some success.

I'm just exhausted now. I'm off for the night.

This is like a cheap carnival ride.

I'm posting the daily report on Monday, for yesterday. I spent a lot of time yesterday doing other things on the computer that I've been putting off and ran out of time for the blog. As much as I want to post here every day, that's probably not terribly reasonable. Maybe I'll go for 5 days a week or something. Besides, I'll probably get bored with myself soon.

Also, I just didn't want to report in yesterday. I agreed to a buffet lunch at a restaurant yesterday. It went about as you'd expect: I overate.

I held my own for breakfast, though. And that's getting easier. I'm getting to where I don't even want the high calorie breakfast anymore. It's been almost a month now, so I guess that habit is becoming well established. I'm breaking my rules this morning, though, by following my 200 cal breakfast with a cup of (calorie laden) coffee. Trust me, I need the coffee. Just to stare down the day.

Back to Sunday. After overeating at the buffet, I was actually kind of good. I avoided a lot of snacks. When I served the family dinner I didn't eat anything because I wasn't hungry. I sat with them at the table and we talked. It felt weird, to not participate in dinner, but good too.

I think Sunday was a day full of highs and lows.

On another note, I'm going to try to start a 'success' list at the end of each day. Just making notes of the things that were good for the day. No matter how big or small. I'll let you know how this new habit goes.

Off to start a new day. Later, ya'll.

Hunger sucks.

I'm working on the very basic concept of waiting to eat until I'm actually hungry. This is very difficult for me. The idea is that if I'm hungry I will enjoy my food more. If I enjoy the food more then I'll be less likely to go seeking something more to eat.

This is very hard for me. The hungrier I am the more desperate I am. It's progressively harder for me to make a food choice and then eat responsibly. I don't enjoy my food more. I just feel trapped.

I'm not sure how to get out of this cycle. I know that I should eat only when I'm hungry, and stop before I'm stuffed. But I feel so out of control when I'm hungry.

I guess that's the answer. Find the feeling of control while I'm hungry, and I'll get this thing licked.

Gone Fishing. On a beach. In the sun. Leave a message, I'll get back to you.

Today is one of those weird in between kind of days. I over ate (shocker!) but don't feel guilty about it. I'm not motivated enough to want to do anything to stop. I think this is some coping mechanism in my brain. The stress of this whole thing pulls at me, and I think that some days I just sort of check out of the process.

And the last week has been really challenging me. Stress level: High.

The hard part of this: you can't just stop eating. Sure, you can give up carbs, or sugar, or sweets in general, or regular (or any) soda... but you have to have something, sometime. There's no true, real, full avoidance. It's not even about a 'culture' of food. It's such a basic thing. It comes down to choices. How much? How often? What to put on the plate? And the stress is high. So today, nobody's home.

I'll be back tomorrow.
Probably.

Pendulum of personal performance.

Or: Crazy mood swings often mark my day.

I'm always amazed at how much better I feel when I get the house around me picked up. I feel like I'm exerting some kind of control over the chaos. I feel good. I feel in control. Even though it's often a very loosely held control. It's especially nice when I make improvements in areas that have been messy for awhile. Tonight, we did some heavy duty pickup and put away in the kids' rooms and upstairs hallway. Several times since then I've stopped briefly to admire the open spaces, the declutter, the successful effort to improve something.

What does this have to do with food? Isn't that what this whole blog is supposed to be about?

It's all woven together. My food thing isn't really about food. Sure, I love food. We go way back. It tastes good. I enjoy mixing together a bunch of things and getting something that is so much more than its parts. But my problem with food isn't really about food at all. It's about control.

I grew up in an environment where I had no control. Not over my life decisions, my personal goals, my daily routine. Worse, the grown ups who were exerting all their control were often unpredictable. Unpredictable in a loud chaotic way. I don't live well in that - perhaps more accurately, I didn't live well. And once I got old enough I was able to make some decisions, primarily about food. Combine that with a lot of bad body image stuff, poor nutritional education, and very easy access to junk food - and here we are.

And so, when I get the bedrooms and hallway picked up, I feel better. And when I feel better, it's easier to say no to the extra food. I still want it. I still think about it. I just have a higher chance at walking away.

Today's reading of "Thin Within" talks about the "path of performance" - essentially, the failure you experience are taken as a personal, negative thing that comes along with self-condemnation, which leads to poor decision making, then more failure, cue: the cycle. I live stuck in this path. I'm working on changing that in everything I do, especially in my personal relationships and in my eating habits. Sometimes, success needs it's own cheerleader.

A few sort of related notes:

I usually make a daily to do list. It helps me stay focused. Plus, an awesome friend helped me figure out a flexible, positive system that works really well for me so I don't hate the process. But some days all I can see are the places I failed: the things I didn't check off the list. So I was thinking... what if I ended the day with a "success" list? Listing out the things I've completed, accomplished, and/or feel good about for that day. How about defining success? Or is this sort of emphasis just the "other side of the coin" for failure? To me, success and failure go together, but not in the sort of "same coin" idea. Thoughts?

(insert some witty comment to transition to next note here)

I made banana pudding yesterday. My favorite kind, with Nilla (not off brand) wafers, thin slices of bananas, and the cooked pudding that soaks into the cookies and makes them all soft and yummy. I LOVE eating this pudding for breakfast. It tastes wonderful the next day, and seems like my perfect breakfast food. But you know what? It's not in my 200 cal range.

And today? Today I didn't eat banana pudding for breakfast. I. Win.

[Don't worry, I'm not completely reformed. I ate pudding for dessert.]

Awful. I fell down and broke my face.

OK. I didn't break my face. But I did break all my goals today. I skipped my reading, I ate a lot of candy, I had extra pudding helpings. I feel awful. Full. Tired. Ugly. It's all just sitting on top of me and leaving me defeated.

Tomorrow's a new day. I can try again. It's just... I'm so tired of the failure.

On a different note, I weighed in at the doctor's office today. Suprisingly, I lost a little bit of weight over the holiday. I'm not going to dwell on this, though, because I don't want to focus on the weight issue. I want to focus on changing my habits.

I'd rate today as... not so great.

I was very busy yesterday. I ended day with several successes, and I was pretty pleased. Also, I was able to go to sleep last night without my crazy anxiety spiral. [That backstory is an entirely different kind of post. In short: when I'm the only adult at home with sleeping kids, I find it hard to go to sleep. At bedtime last night, I was the only grown up here, but I managed ok anyway.]

Today is different. Today, I snacked all afternoon. I've eaten two dinners. I've thought about food all day.

Now I'm wondering about it all in context. Yesterday, I felt crazy. Lots of mood swings back and forth. Today I feel more stable. But the stability seems to go with giving in to the food cravings. When I'm not focusing on changing my bad habits, I have the illusion of more control. And I do realize that it's an illusion. But it's hard to accept.

Yesterday, I got a ton of stuff done. And last night, I got no sleep. I'm exhausted, and everything is harder when I'm tired.

This morning, I kept within my 200 calorie breakfast. But I skipped my book reading ("Thin Within") because I felt like I couldn't face it.

I'm wondering if there is a way to moderate my Monday/Tuesday routine a bit better. Generally, I push really hard on Mondays to get a lot done, then I "slack off" on Tuesdays. For example, yesterday (monday) I moved 7 loads worth of laundry from the dirty pile, through the wash/dry, folded it all (or used it to remake beds as appropriate), and got a lot of it put away. Today, I've managed to wash/dry two loads, but it's all still sitting in the basket waiting for me to finish it. Maybe it would be better to spread out the effort a bit more?

Any thoughts? What works for you guys? [Assuming anyone is reading this.] Moderate, or give/take?

Also, I have a doctor appointment tomorrow. I'll have to stand on a scale. Yuck.

My first "diet" book purchase, ever. Yeah... I was surprised too.

Two weeks ago, I was introduced to a book called "Thin Within" by Judy and Arthur Halliday. It's subtitled as a "Grace-Oriented Approach to Lasting Weight Loss." I'm reading it wth a small group of people I've never met, but we'll be getting to know each other through an email chat group. This book will be coming up in these posts, surely. I'm read through the introduction and Day One. I'm still processing a lot of info. I'll get back to you about it.

My first change.

I decided to start with breakfast. I don't have any real concept as to what an appropriate portion is. I've spent so long eating too much that I what I perceive as a "normal" portion is usually too large a size. I've tried the little tricks - room around all the food on the plate, smaller dishes, portioning in the kitchen and then walking away. Those things haven't fundamentally changed my eating habits. So, based on a previous diet experience, I decided to start eating a 200 calorie breakfast.

I can eat a lot for 200 calories, some very satisfying breakfast things. No sausage mcgriddles (oops, that's my really secret breakfast vice) but quite a bit of variety. Cereals, yogurt, fruit, different combinations of these things.

Breakfast feels like a good starting place. The day hasn't piled on top of me yet. My failures aren't clamoring around in my head. Breakfast feels easy. Plus, when I start on a good foot it's easier to keep going that way. Some days, anyway.

Today is day 21 of my new breakfast calorie limit. In those 21 days, I've blown the count three times. Those failures really wrecked my day. The failure I felt those mornings dogged me until I went to bed, feeling stuffed and ugly.

But after 21 days... I'm beginning to feel a little successful. I'm beginning to feel like maybe it might be ok. This is amazingly empowering.

That little bit of success gave me the strength I needed to start talking about this more openly. This is good. I must shine a light into the dark corners of this problem.

The background.

Here are the low-down dirty facts:
I'm overweight.
I'm physically unfit.
I have a low energy level.
I overeat.
I am an emotional eater.

I think about food all the time. The upcoming meal. The dessert in the fridge. That snack that sounds so good, even though I'm not hungry. I eat until I feel so full I can hardly stand it.

It's a terrible cycle. I eat because I'm bored, tired, depressed, angry, upset, feeling out of control. Then, when the full feeling kicks in and the inital flavor rush is passed, I feel even worse. Sometimes I think that if I didn't have such a strong aversion to puking, I'd just binge and purge. The food sits there. In my stomach, yes, but more in my mind. In my heart. Knowing that I had some kind of goal and I failed. Again.

Over the years, I've done a lot of things that were bad for me. I drank alchohol to excess. I smoked cigarettes. I cut and burned my own skin. I've given up those things. But I haven't conquered all the reasons that has contributed to those bad coping mechanisms. Instead, I eat.

I don't want to feel enslaved by food anymore. I don't want to stay on this roller coaster anymore. Change is hard. So here I am.