Getting caught up... in my head.

Yesterday, I broke ranks with breakfast. I had two scrambled eggs (with cheese), a slice of toast (butter and jelly) and a cup a of coffee (with creamer). This is not within my 200 cal range. I knew it when I fixed it, but went for it anyway. I'm looking at this as an OK sort of situation, though. I was fixing breakfast. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat compulsively - I made a choice. Importantly, the choice wasn't out of line.

The thing is, I think part of the reason that I've failed so often at this food thing is because I hold to unrealistic standards. I'm not a person who can accept the same thing, day after day, or follow along because I've been given a set of rules. The choice to go to a 200 cal breakfast was a hard choice but a valuable one. Overall, it's been successful. But if I were to say "I'll never eat over 200 cal again" I would go crazy. I would reverse this progress and start eating more and more, just out of spite. At least I've gotten far enough to understand this about myself.

You know... yesterday, it wasn't so bad. Not great, but not too bad. It wasn't a food struggle day even though my mood was really down. I was frustrated and impatient, out of sorts. I think that I am slowly disconnecting the knee jerk reaction to eat emotionally. That's a short sentence, but the meaning is hugely significant.

Monday night, after eating too much during the evening, I got all the kids asleep and immediately thought "Snack!" Then I thought "What?!?!?" I was overstuffed. And I'm thinking about a snack? So instead of going downstairs, I went into my bedroom (where I never eat). I hung out there until the snacking urge passed by. It was a good thing. I'm pleased by this progress.

Today... today is something else. I think. I don't know. Actually, in retrospect, today was pretty good. Too many chips with lunch, but no snacks to speak of. I wasn't hungry for dinner, so I waited until I was actually hungry. Then, wrestling with the desire for a snack and something else, I had small portions. So... I think today was pretty good. Hard to say for sure, as I'm amazingly unreliable at assessing these sorts of things. I think I'll take it, though.

Off to sleep - so tired. I'd like to work out a bit tomorrow. It would be good for me.