Spinning my wheels.

I've crashed and burned out on this whole thing. Like any good thing, I've ruined it spectacularly. My inner ugly voice is telling me that I've been stupid, lazy, and there's no point. In the meantime, I've harvested some smaller sized clothing from my closet. And I didn't feel like a fat freak in today's choice of shirts. Even my winter coat feels too big. Which is actually good (aside from the fact that it's spring time and it's not even a proper coat - more like a jacket) because I have a nice wool coat in the closet but don't wear it because it's felt too small. Hopefully it will feel like a better fit. But none of this has driven any kind of motivation to keep working on change. The last two days, especially, have been bad. So bad. Tons of junk food, snacks, sugars, and general overeating. I don't feel well, which I think is related to overeating (and eating unhealthy) both in triggering the coping mechanism to overeat because I didn't feel well to start and the actual food/quantity making me feel sick to my stomach. As usual, I'm very tired. Feeling ridiculously tired. And I feel crazy. Mentally unwell. I don't' know what that means, exactly, just that life seems way too hard right now. I feel like I want/need a sick day that I can just spend all day in bed, wearing pajamas, or sitting around watching TV. But that's really not in the schedule this week... I'm trying really hard to go back to better choices and habits. The truth is that I don't want to be this way. I don't like feeling this way. It's just where I am right now, unhappily. There are so many words stuck in my head. So many things/ideas floating around. So little focus. I am feeling incredibly isolated and socially inept. So. This is the ugly place I'm living in right now. Looking to move out. Looking to move on.