I've fallen apart. Mentally, not physically. Physically, that would be a mess. Although, physically I AM a bit of a mess. I'm making this too complicated.
The other day, when I learned that I had lost 10 pounds, I felt validated. Not thinner, or more fit, but like all this effort has been worthwhile. I found myself moving more confidently. In my head, the thought was something like: I may still be fat, but I'm getting control over my compulsive eating! It's a mindset thing. I've maintained for awhile that this process isn't about weight loss but about changing myself. My attitude, my mindset, my health and well being.
But man, the number on the scale was such a physical manifestation of all this effort. And it felt good and real.
Then something happened. I'm not sure what, or why, but my attitude went south. I went back to feeling full of failure and just fat, not accomplished. As you can imagine, this kind of attitude makes it hard to manage the effort to change. I think that sentence makes sense.
I'm hungry. And I don't understand if I should be. Or if I shouldn't be. Or what I'm doing. I need a new structure.
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