Rambling.

Sometimes I feel split in half. There's the functional me. This functional part succeeded today. Lessons taught, homework checked, children fed, laundry washed. The functional me fixed dinner, managed when the dryer stopped working, took a shower, changed diapers. Functional me keeps this world going around.

Then there's the other part of me. The crazy part. The mental me. Mental me is busy thinking about food, or freaking out, or stuck on the anxiety train. Mental me spends some of my day - every day... EVERY day - screaming. Just screaming.

I've had these two halves for a long time. I've tried all sorts of things to make the mental me calm. I've had good and bad coping mechanisms. More bad than good in the past. I've set a lot of those bad things aside and started replacing them with good coping mechanisms. Except for food. I still try to stop the screaming with food. It's not as obviously a negative coping mechanism but it is negative. Left alone, I will eat myself into oblivion.

That's hard for me to say. It's all hard for me to say. It's hard to look at all of it and be honest. Clear.

On to less rambling. Breakfast: mixed success. Kept within my calorie count for actual breakfast but within an hour added calorie heavy coffee. Struggling with trying to wait until I'm hungry to eat. Struggling to stay on task. Trying to let go of all my failure and see some success.

I'm just exhausted now. I'm off for the night.