The lack of sleep in my life these days is notable. I've been running short on regular sleep (by which I mean a sleep pattern that fits my needs, 5 hrs of uninterrupted sleep to start the night followed by 3-4 hours of a second wave of uninterrupted sleep). I haven't been able to fully embrace this natural pattern for 8 years. My oldest has a very different natural pattern, much more restless, and it set the tone from her infancy on. There are times when it's been better, and briefly when it was worse, than it is now.
One of our primary problems for the last 3 months has been ongoing sickness. Coughs, stuffy noses, bronchitis, flu, stomach flu - we've had it all. I've had it all. So in addition to being woken by Oliver's natural sleep patterns (more restless than mine), I've been woken for illness related reasons. While being ill myself or trying to recover from illness.
I know this is a constant refrain... but - I'm so very tired.
I spent today (and yesterday) eating endlessly. I think about all the techniques I've tried to incorporate in the last month. I set a goal for myself for each meal. I think it through, knowing how frustrated I'm going to feel with myself. And still, I just eat. And eat.
Like a zombie, I'm just moving from one source of food to another, mindlessly inhaling my way through calories/flavors/textures/meals.
I've spent today thinking about the difference between today and last week. I'm so discouraged today. I'm not hungry, but I'm so hungry. And I keep coming back to this: I'm tired. It's made me wonder: how is sleep deprivation impacting my ability to control my appetite? So I did what any good Internet user will do and looked it up online. Multiple sources indicate that sleep deprivation messes with a ton of stuff, including hormone balances that are related to appetite and weight gain. Add that to the cognitive disability, and I wonder if today is so much worse because I haven't been able to sleep much the last 4 or 5 nights.
Or is all of this an excuse?
Daily report: breakfast has shifted a little. I got tired of eating corn flakes (after 2 weeks) and opened up the Apple Jacks. It's a cereal the whole family agrees on. Also, my 200 cal breakfast has been leaving me really hungry. So I gave up the milk in the cereal so I could have extra cereal. I shifted to a calorie free drink to go with it on the side. I actually think this is bad: it promotes the "snacking" idea as I eat more, eat it by hand, and go repeatedly from bowl to mouth. Like eating popcorn or chips for breakfast. I think I need to change this again. Tomorrow's plan: an omelet with the leftover sausage from dinner the other day. Uses up leftovers, breaks the cereal/sweet cycle, and isn't remotely snack-like. We'll see how it goes.
The rest of the day: awful. Trail mix. Snack mix. Lunch. Dinner. Candy. Chips. Horrible.
I haven't read my "Thin Within" book for days. Or the support emails that goes with it. I feel like I'm too far behind now to go back, which is just negative assessment. I feel like I have to start over, which really isn't true either. I'd like to go back to this, and I even know how: just take a deep breath and open the book. But it's much easier said than done.
OK. I'm going to end with some good stuff. Success list. 1. Managed 4 children most of the day. 2 Provided a cooked from scratch healthy meal for my family. 3. Washed/dried and folded 4 loads of laundry. 4. Wrote on my blog again. 5. Completed all schedule school lesson. 6. Spent 30 minutes dramatically belting out old gospel songs for the amusement of my kids.
Off to sleep.
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