A lifetime of enjoying junk food.

I grew up eating food that was bad for me. Sandwiches always came with chips. Dinners usually consisted of an entree, starch, and vegetable. The entree was often fried and the vegetable almost always out of a can. Snack food was junk food. Fresh fruit was limited to apples, oranges, or bananas and those weren't always available. As a young adult, I started drinking soda. Dinner time was fraught with peril: one sister constantly told (firmly) to slow down, I was constantly told (firmly) to speed up, and we weren't allowed to leave the table unless we ate everything off our plate.

But how many people grow up eating that way and manage their adult food intake just fine? I'm sure some do. Just like some kids can grow up with an alcoholic parent and not become one themselves, I'm sure that some kids mature out of their bad diet and don't suffer. But, by the same analogy, some kids grow up with an alcoholic parent and then become alcoholics themselves. I'm part of that second category, where I haven't let go of my junk food lifestyle. Interestingly, I think one of my sisters is like me - still living the junk food - but one of them matured out of it.

I've tried really hard to break the cycle for my kids. Lunch comes with a fruit or vegetable, not chips. Dinner is served with a fruit AND a vegetable, and starches only appear once a week or so. Snacks are things like yogurt, fruit (fresh or dried), and vegetables. We're not terribly strict: they are familiar with chips and like them, my 3yr old adores popcorn, and a small sweet is almost always part of their day. I'm looking for a moderate approach. Instead of just banning it all, I've tried to focus on portion control. I've tried to teach them that the junk food has a very small role in their diet. I've exposed them to a large range of fresh fruits and vegetables, in multiple presentations. I've tried to teach them balance and choice: a piece of cake now means no sweets later, but a small sweet means a small sweet later.

It's hard. It is very hard to work on giving the kids this base while still working on my own. "Do as I say, not as I do." I hope they don't resent my hypocrisy.

Friday was a day of success and failure. Less snacking in between meals but overeating at the meal. Still constantly thinking about it all. I'm frustrated, feeling like I should be further along in this process now. It was difficult for me to commit to a breakfast limit/goal. But I did, and I stuck with it. Now, breakfast is mostly easy to tackle without overeating or feeling crazy. The plan was that when breakfast was "settled" I'd move on to another aspect, like lunch or the in between snacking. But the next moving on step has me very intimidated. It seems like those next steps will be much harder than breakfast. I'm scared of failing, because failure brings me down so far.

In a side note, I don't own a weight scale (or, not a reliable one, anyway). I don't want to own one. I don't want to know. I'd like to spin it and say something like "This way, I stay focused on my goal of changing habits, not distracted by weight loss or gain." There's a kernel of truth to that. But I'm also just afraid to confront the numbers.