Ambivalence.

I've lost track of where I am. In a general sense and specifically in posting to this blog. I've had three nights in a row that were less interrupted. It's good, and it's hopeful, but it's a rough transition. I'm rested enough to feel how tired I am. I know it doesn't make sense but it's true. Today I let go and laid down. The kids were amazing and let me sleep for awhile. The downside is that I struggle with waking up and getting going again. After my nap, I completely lost my head and ate half a package of graham crackers. Afterwards, I just felt ill.

The last few days I haven't felt as caught up in the craving for food. I'm not sure what the why or how in all of it. It could be the exhaustion, or the meds kicking in full force, or the slow rebalance of my hormone levels. It could be that I'm slowly starting to get my bearings on some of this food stuff. But I doubt the last reason. I can't imagine that a lifetime of bad habits and poor choices can be undone this quickly.

Also, a sign that things aren't miraculously better: last night I had a run in with my father. The details are unimportant. The point is that it was a negative thing and I didn't deal well with the situation. I reverted to my usual coping mechanism and had my freedom snack, late, even though I wasn't hungry and didn't even want it. It was awful. I hated it.

This post feels all stuttered and painful. I've been sitting here for 30 minutes and it just feels... ugly.

OK. Trying to move on...
The last two days I've been fairly productive. Six loads of laundry, two dinners from scratch, two full days of school lessons... I'm sure there's more, but it has all run together.

In the end, I think I'm just done.