I used to believe my own lies. Now I just don't see the truth.

No, I haven't been on some awesome sunny vacation with beautiful tropical drinks and miles of ocean. Except in my head.

I've got no excuse. I could probably try laying some out there and they would sound good. Plausible at worst and understandable at best. But here's the thing: it would be a lie. I'm not writing because I'm discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed. [That's my clever attempt to distract through alliterations.]

For the last handful of days I've gotten worse. I haven't stopped caring about this whole food process thing but I have stopped trying to fix it. Today, I even thought "I just want to eat breakfast" and then proceeded to blow the 200 calorie guide.

I don't know what to say or think. I honestly sincerely and completely want to change some big things about myself and I'm just not making any progress. With brutal honesty I can say that right now I'm feeling very negative. I'm fat and eat anyway. I don't know why I think I can change this or why I bother trying. I can't hardly stand the sight of my own self. How bad does this have to be before I put the oreos away and try for a little exercise?

So, no daily report, no success list, no moderation... just a whole lot of falling down and whining from the floor.