This really isn't about food, but I'm going to write it anyway.

Last week I imploded. It's left me confused and frustrated. There's nothing in particular that I can see or understand as being a trigger for this problem. In many ways it was a good week. There are a lot of good things that happened last week. Several things that were going on worked out really well. All told, on the surface it seems that life was good. And yet I imploded.

I feel like I've plateaued in this whole process. My progress feels... lacking. Breakfast has been going well and I don't usually even have to think of it anymore. But it feels false because I haven't taken it any further. I was - for awhile - able to reflect on my day and feel like I could make some kind of judgement. Not an objective judgment, no, but I sincerely felt like it was close to objective. I've lost that ability/feeling. I'm back in a place where all I can see is the failures of my day instead of any success. And things that felt successful last week just don't feel that way anymore.

It's hard to know how everything is connected. A few days into this implosion, I found myself being plagued by migraines. Enough to go to the med cabinet and haul out the prescription migraine pills - a combo of acetaminophen, caffeine, and barbituates. On top of the chemical input of the meds, there's the migraine itself to deal with. Frankly, they're exhausting. It's not just a matter of a headache that comes and goes. It pounds away at me, making me increasingly ineffective, indecisive. Once that part is over, there's the hangover. I feel fragile and afraid that moving too quickly will bring it all back - and worse.

I was talking about this migraine experience the other day with my therapist (oh yes, I have one). She made a point of calling attention to the fact that migraines are a chronic problem in my life. I know this shouldn't be so surprising, as I've had them for over half my life. But I just don't think about it that way. Chronic pain carries a lot along with it. There's a sense of hopelessness, depression... knowing that it becomes an issue of management instead of just pushing through until it's better... There's a lot going on there. Thankfully the meds have gotten better in the last decade. Unfortunately, I can't take most of them while pregnant/nursing, which leaves me with the less than ideal current combo. I digress. I think. I'm still so scatterbrained.

This whole conversation transitioned into a discussion about my ongoing depressive cycles. Is my depression chronic? Should we be considering ultimate management instead of "cure?" What does all that mean, anyway? Does chronic depression make this process of therapy, food management, growth/change/maturity - does chronic depression make these things pointless?

No... ultimately, no. These things are important aspects of management, even if there is no cure or ever will be.

I'm left in this strange place where I don't know how to move forward and I'm not content to stay where I am. I'm working on it.