Yeah, I've heard this story too.

I haven't been here in a few days. My weekend didn't go quite the way I would have liked (it involves some very poor rehab work done to our house). As a result I've been pretty busy with house repair and redecorating. The upside is that I've been much too busy for the usual intense levels of snacking I usually have to fight off. The downside is that I haven't done any workouts, I've overeaten at mealtimes, and I am hideously exhausted. That sums up the weekend.

Although, given the stress of this weekend (and life, in general) the snack monster has been a little bit easier. And breakfast is a no brainer now. I need to take the next step in this process of change but I'm just feeling stuck. Honestly, I'm so tired that I just don't know what to do... I guess that I should view this whole work out thing as a change. I'm just... blah. Tired. Same ole, same ole.

Running empty and confused.

I skipped my scheduled exercise date. I should have done it yesterday. I'm trying to talk myself into doing it today. I don't feel well, I'm at loose ends, and I can't formulate a plan for my time. I can't help but feel that I'm wasting my time and everyone elses. I can't take credit for anyone elses time, but I hate feeling like I'm wasting mine. My time is so valuable... doesn't that sound egotistical? I'd like to share something profound or at least interesting but I'm coming up empty - which is why I haven't written anything here the last few days.

Yesterday, my 8 yr old asked me what my hobbies are. I had a hard time remembering.

More brain problems: I had a huge difficulty focusing yesterday. Last night, by the time I gave up and went to sleep, I was having such a hard time focusing in a coherent and responsible way that I knew I couldn't be left alone with the kids. That's very frightening. Thankfully, today is better. I'm not sure what happened yesterday, which makes it more frightening. I also don't know why today is better.

Update: I did the workout. I snacked heavily this afternoon and it took me awhile to convince myself to put the sweet popcorn down. But I did. I got through 35 min before giving up. Still not through the whole workout. I'm trying to take that as a win, anyway. 35 min of aerobic workout is 35 minutes more than I did yesterday. Still, it feels like some kind of failure, again. It's my mindset. I know it.

Plus, my hair looked good until I sweated all over it. ;)

I do love the taste of chocolate.

The day in review: I have no clue. I can't assess this information anymore. Maybe I never could and that's the problem. Or part of it. I think I'm ranging off into too much mental wandering.

Snacks, snacks and more snacks. Hmmmm. Snacks. I would expunge them all from my house but then I would just buy more. I need to learn how to know that it's here and moderate my intake of it. I don't think that total abstinence from snacking is a fix for this problem long term. Snacking is too deeply embedded in my lifestyle. And, frankly, I don't want to give it up. I want to behave myself. In a word: moderation. It's a goal. A big one, apparently.

Today is mixed. My meal portions were great but they were heavily rounded out by snacks. I did manage to talk myself out of all the urges to stop today and acquire cake/donut/cookie. I suppose that's something.

And, on schedule, I managed some workout time. That makes for 3 workouts over a six day period. I'm defining a 'workout' as 20-30 minutes of activity that actually raises my heart rate and keeps it up. I've had some increased activity overall the last week in the form of walks and many trips up and down the stairs. I've been changing out the workouts. Each one has left different parts of my body very sore - this is a huge mental block for me. I'm already hurting, why do I want to do it again? I'm getting around that by doing a different workout. Does anyone know if this is good or bad? Should I be focusing on one routine for awhile? Or is it just really about the heart rate increase? I don't know. I don't exercise very often. Or, really, ever. Except now. Because I need a change.

The other day I thought "Wow, Cornerstone is about four months away. I need to start getting in shape." I think this every year. I think about walking or bicycling around the campground and think how much nicer it would be if I were more physically fit. But the closer the mid-summer gets, the harder it seems to accomplish. I think something like: I can't get physically fit it 2 months, why bother doing anything now? Defeatist logic, yes. But the other day, when I thought about getting fit, I thought: You know, maybe I can do this. After all, I've got 4 months and I've already started trying to fix my eating habits and be more physically active.

Who knows. Maybe this year I'll be able to pull it all together.

Tonight, the exercise thing was really hard to approach. But I did it anyway. So, regardless of the endless snacking, I'm going to lean towards success.

Roller coaster horror ride.

In some ways, the hardest part of this experience is that I enjoy food. Apart from the obsessive thoughts and compulsive eating, I just enjoy the taste of what I'm eating. So on top of the other parts related to this eating reformation, I have to recognize that part of the problem with overeating is that I'm enjoying the taste so much I just keep going.

Which brings me to lunch yesterday: all you can eat fried chicken with mashed potatoes, green beans, dumplings and sweet tea. An absolute awful choice for anyone wanting to lose weight. But I'm still working on keeping my focus on the relationship I have with food, not weight loss. And man, it tasted very good. I walked away from the meal full, but not grossly overstuffed. I ate all the potatoes and green beans but only the small pieces of chicken - and didn't order more. I enjoyed the meal. I enjoyed it all the more because I felt like I had some control over myself. That while the nutritional aspect of it was awful, I held on to my stated goals of stopping at an appropriate time. It felt like a good thing.

The evening was mediocre. I over did it. Shocking, I know. I need to work on this. The whole evening thing is bringing me down in a significantly negative way. Maybe that should be my new goal? I don't know. I don't know how to move forward from where I am.

This morning I'm dealing with an amazingly deep level of exhaustion. It's impacting my decision making, attitude, and outlook. It's raining and my kids are leaving all the lights on. I've wanted to nod off several times while typing this. And it's Monday. Mondays are my heavy hitting days. It's mostly me and the kids. And later, a quiet house full of sleeping children that I'm solely responsible for that I try to fill up with snacks. Feeling horrible today.

I'm only avoiding a little.

I found I didn't want to deal with this yesterday. I'm not sure how to deal with yesterday. It was a party day, full of snack foods and junk. It was stressful and I'm exhausted. I think it started out going OK. I stuck with my breakfast goal and managed to keep my portions at lunch reasonable. As the day went on (as usual) the portions grew and I got worse. Overall, I've had worse party days. But I've had better days in general. I think it was a little bit easier because I was very sore from Friday's workout - that soreness helped remind me that I'm working on this process. I also took a huge risk and wore a top that I feel is too small. It isn't too small, and I think it looked OK, but I was very uncomfortable in it. It was a big challenge.

I can't make too many comments about today because the day is long from over. But I did manage to start out on the right foot with another workout. I'm already starting to feel it - I'm going to be sore tomorrow. But I have it on reasonable authority that it's worth it. I'll let you know.

It's late. Keeping it simple.

No breakfast today. I just never got around to it. Lunch was a rushed deal, and so I skipped the usual junk food accompaniment. Dinner was with company and I had reasonable portions. I passed on the freedom snack after bedtime.

All would be good if it weren't for the afternoon when I broke down and ate a bunch of pretzels and a LOT of m&ms. I just can't manage to get through one day where I control this breakdown cycle. I need to do something but I don't know what. Or I do know but I'm not willing to accept it. It's late and I'm not sure.

Yesterday's exercise was apparently pretty productive based on the screaming protest in my muscles. I was initially focused on doing another work out today but I just didn't find the time. I've honestly just been going all day with one thing or another (even if that one thing was eating too many bits of chocolate candy goodness).

So tired. So much to do.

I'm unpredictable. Like a goldfish.

Back to (what was supposed to be) the regularly scheduled programming. Daily report: Not so bad. I struggled this afternoon with the desire to snack endlessly, despite feeling not-hungry. I did give in here and there but not to the extremes I usually exhibit. But it was hard. I spent too much time just standing in the kitchen, staring at food, and waging war with myself.

I was amazingly productive - for part of the day, anyway. I worked outside a lot today and greatly enjoyed the sunshine and soft breeze. The best part was seeing the kids hang out and have a good time doing normal kid things. We got out the sidewalk chalk and pictures were drawn. Hopscotch was played. Battles were waged, won or lost. Gumballs were thrown. It was good.

I feel like I should be more excited about my day, or more pleased with my progress, or something. I just feel kind of apathetic about it. Better than being really negative, I guess.

I did do something new today. I unwrapped that exercise DVD, put it in, and worked it for awhile. I was willing to keep going, but Oliver decided I was finished about 25 min into the program. By then, I'd worked up a sweat, got my heart going, and generally felt like I'd done something good. My legs are feeling the burn. I'm pleased about this, but in a quiet way.

Last night went badly. Not in a food way, but in general. I ended up taking the migraine pills again. It's been a long time since I've taken them two days in a row like that and I think it really messed with me. I lost my ability to focus, to coherently converse, and to function beyond a almost-asleep state. I'm not sure if it was the back to back impact of the medication (though there's no contra-indicators about that), the lack of sleep, or some weird combination of everything. I will think twice, though, about taking the pills like that again. As a matter of fact, I got up about 4am with my head splitting again and opted for regular over the counter stuff. Those medications plus some sleep dulled it enough to make life bearable today.

I feel like I've permanently damaged my brain. I don't know why I feel that way. I just do.

This really isn't about food, but I'm going to write it anyway.

Last week I imploded. It's left me confused and frustrated. There's nothing in particular that I can see or understand as being a trigger for this problem. In many ways it was a good week. There are a lot of good things that happened last week. Several things that were going on worked out really well. All told, on the surface it seems that life was good. And yet I imploded.

I feel like I've plateaued in this whole process. My progress feels... lacking. Breakfast has been going well and I don't usually even have to think of it anymore. But it feels false because I haven't taken it any further. I was - for awhile - able to reflect on my day and feel like I could make some kind of judgement. Not an objective judgment, no, but I sincerely felt like it was close to objective. I've lost that ability/feeling. I'm back in a place where all I can see is the failures of my day instead of any success. And things that felt successful last week just don't feel that way anymore.

It's hard to know how everything is connected. A few days into this implosion, I found myself being plagued by migraines. Enough to go to the med cabinet and haul out the prescription migraine pills - a combo of acetaminophen, caffeine, and barbituates. On top of the chemical input of the meds, there's the migraine itself to deal with. Frankly, they're exhausting. It's not just a matter of a headache that comes and goes. It pounds away at me, making me increasingly ineffective, indecisive. Once that part is over, there's the hangover. I feel fragile and afraid that moving too quickly will bring it all back - and worse.

I was talking about this migraine experience the other day with my therapist (oh yes, I have one). She made a point of calling attention to the fact that migraines are a chronic problem in my life. I know this shouldn't be so surprising, as I've had them for over half my life. But I just don't think about it that way. Chronic pain carries a lot along with it. There's a sense of hopelessness, depression... knowing that it becomes an issue of management instead of just pushing through until it's better... There's a lot going on there. Thankfully the meds have gotten better in the last decade. Unfortunately, I can't take most of them while pregnant/nursing, which leaves me with the less than ideal current combo. I digress. I think. I'm still so scatterbrained.

This whole conversation transitioned into a discussion about my ongoing depressive cycles. Is my depression chronic? Should we be considering ultimate management instead of "cure?" What does all that mean, anyway? Does chronic depression make this process of therapy, food management, growth/change/maturity - does chronic depression make these things pointless?

No... ultimately, no. These things are important aspects of management, even if there is no cure or ever will be.

I'm left in this strange place where I don't know how to move forward and I'm not content to stay where I am. I'm working on it.

I've lost all sense of focus.

I was going to write here tonight but I find I lack the necessary focus. I'm scattered across some serious thoughts and haven't figured out how to settle down into something cohesive. It's too scattered even for some kind of rambling stream of barely connected explanations.

I feel like I've imploded. But the laundry is done, the kids clean, fed, and educated, and I haven't burned the house down yet. So I guess I'm overanalyzing things.

I'm going to try to sleep. Maybe this will make more sense later.

I used to believe my own lies. Now I just don't see the truth.

No, I haven't been on some awesome sunny vacation with beautiful tropical drinks and miles of ocean. Except in my head.

I've got no excuse. I could probably try laying some out there and they would sound good. Plausible at worst and understandable at best. But here's the thing: it would be a lie. I'm not writing because I'm discouraged, disheartened, and disappointed. [That's my clever attempt to distract through alliterations.]

For the last handful of days I've gotten worse. I haven't stopped caring about this whole food process thing but I have stopped trying to fix it. Today, I even thought "I just want to eat breakfast" and then proceeded to blow the 200 calorie guide.

I don't know what to say or think. I honestly sincerely and completely want to change some big things about myself and I'm just not making any progress. With brutal honesty I can say that right now I'm feeling very negative. I'm fat and eat anyway. I don't know why I think I can change this or why I bother trying. I can't hardly stand the sight of my own self. How bad does this have to be before I put the oreos away and try for a little exercise?

So, no daily report, no success list, no moderation... just a whole lot of falling down and whining from the floor.

My cat is an optimist. I could learn from her.

It's evening. The kids are all in bed. The house is relatively quiet. Dinner has been cooked and eaten, with the dirty dishes taunting me from the kitchen. I'm tired but not ready to give up and go to bed. This is a prime snacking time. I'm thinking about it - what are my choices? What sounds/tastes/feels good? What kind of drink will go with it? And I often think about it for however long it takes. Until my brain stumbles across the "perfect" combination and I head for the kitchen. It's not about being hungry. It's usually not even about having a bad/good day. This whole experience is so habitual.

Though I have had a bad day. I snacked too much, and it doesn't even half count as OK because the fresh fruit was smothered in hot fudge sauce. Man, it was tasty. I'm only half regretful - it was so good.

Well, more than half.

I'm sitting here thinking about sleeping and feeling like I just can't face any of it. Going to bed means getting up in the morning. Moving from the couch means there's some kind of plan. Climbing into bed means I'm really not going to do anything else on the list today. An amazing number of those things are going to be waiting for me in the morning.

I wish I knew why this was so hard. Why some days I feel so out of balance with myself and the rest of the world. I feel crazy, in a lazy quiet way.

Remember Billy Blanks? Yeah, me too.

The other day I compensated. Instead of eating my way through the afternoon, I cooked my way through it. I did this once last week, too. I suppose this would be an OK way to deal with the situation if it weren't for the obvious problem: Now there's more tasty food. For breakfast the last two days I've had some homemade pumpkin bread. Doubtful that it's in my calorie range but at least pumpkin is one of those superfoods... right? I'm not so stressed about the calorie count, though, as I am about the fact that after finishing my serving I still want MORE. Am I still hungry? Yes. Well. I'm not really hungry but nor am I full. Comfortably or uncomfortably. But having more bread or something else seems inappropriate. It seems like it would be failure - I've had my breakfast and in my head I should stop. I was able to deal with this yesterday because breakfast happened in the car on my way somewhere, and by the time I got home again I had it back under control. Today doesn't offer me that out so I'm here instead, because I've been skipping the blog thing.

In the end, yesterday was an OK kind of a day. I didn't snack, though my meal portions were still too big. I'm not exercising. I'm beginning to feel like I really need to start doing something more physical in order to reinforce the good eating habits. After all, what's the point if I'm still horribly out of shape, right? But I've got a lit a mile long why I can't (won't) get moving. Once I start moving, I keep going for a little while before stumbling again. It's a terrible cycle. I'm frustrated with myself.

I can report a success, though. Yesterday on the way home I was having something of a meltdown. I wasn't ready to cry but it was close. I was hungry. I was feeling all shaky. The kids were pushing my buttons. They were hungry, too. We were going to get home just barely in time. I had previously planned on feeding everyone leftovers, even cooking dinner the night before with that plan. So fixing dinner wasn't going to be difficult. But I was so tempted to run through some fast food place. I kept thinking "a hamburger sounds awesome." The fast food kind, so very bad for me, and so tasty. But I didn't give in. Knowing I had a plan for dinner, knowing that I'm trying so hard to make this process work, I stuck to my goal. That felt pretty good.

I was looking around my house yesterday and realizing how much junk food there is laying around. Admittedly, it's much higher than usual (leftover from a recent party), but I was considering cleaning it all out and getting rid of it. On the theory that if it isn't here, I won't eat it. The problem with that approach is that I know myself. In the past, if it isn't here I just think about it all the time. I make excuses to acquire it. Then I usually overindulge when I do get a hold of it. I don't think avoidance in the answer for me. I think the only way I'll ever gain some control over this is if I learn moderation.

Instead of continuing to ramble in an almost nonsensical way, I'm going to wander off and jump start the day. Or try to. Today's secret reveal: I bought an exercise DVD yesterday. It's a throwback to one that was very popular about 12-13 years ago. And way back then, I had the VHS version. I actually really enjoyed the routine and after a month or so found myself taking significant measure to make sure I had time to work it- like getting up 30 min earlier in the morning before work. A lot of things disrupted the habit and I never got back into it. But I enjoyed it at the time. Plus, the DVDs were on clearance. So far, I've taken it out of the bag. But my eventual goal is to actually open it! Imagine!

Ambivalence.

I've lost track of where I am. In a general sense and specifically in posting to this blog. I've had three nights in a row that were less interrupted. It's good, and it's hopeful, but it's a rough transition. I'm rested enough to feel how tired I am. I know it doesn't make sense but it's true. Today I let go and laid down. The kids were amazing and let me sleep for awhile. The downside is that I struggle with waking up and getting going again. After my nap, I completely lost my head and ate half a package of graham crackers. Afterwards, I just felt ill.

The last few days I haven't felt as caught up in the craving for food. I'm not sure what the why or how in all of it. It could be the exhaustion, or the meds kicking in full force, or the slow rebalance of my hormone levels. It could be that I'm slowly starting to get my bearings on some of this food stuff. But I doubt the last reason. I can't imagine that a lifetime of bad habits and poor choices can be undone this quickly.

Also, a sign that things aren't miraculously better: last night I had a run in with my father. The details are unimportant. The point is that it was a negative thing and I didn't deal well with the situation. I reverted to my usual coping mechanism and had my freedom snack, late, even though I wasn't hungry and didn't even want it. It was awful. I hated it.

This post feels all stuttered and painful. I've been sitting here for 30 minutes and it just feels... ugly.

OK. Trying to move on...
The last two days I've been fairly productive. Six loads of laundry, two dinners from scratch, two full days of school lessons... I'm sure there's more, but it has all run together.

In the end, I think I'm just done.

I'm too tired to be clever, but at least I'm honest.

Superbowl. One word or two? One of the greatest snacking events, right?

I figured it would be a bad day. Lots of food laying around. Good tasty stuff, too. Most of it junk, which is my favorite kind. But once again, I was surprised. It wasn't too bad. Or even very bad. It was actually... kind of good.

I didn't snack much at all yesterday. Thinking back on the day, I can't remember any snacks. I'm sure I had some, because that's what I do, but it was very little. Once the food made it's way out, I fixed a plate. I ate what I had chosen and didn't go back for more. I didn't even eat right away, waiting until I was hungry. I over indulged in the sweet stuff, sure, but I walked away from the food spread before I was uncomfortably full. And it wasn't even that hard to do.

I wonder what makes the difference. Why was it so easy yesterday and so hard the other day? Sometimes I just think it's a way of protecting myself - I'd go crazy, I think, if it was so hard every day. I feel like there are some days I just sort of check out of this whole thing and go quiet. It's a good quiet, though, not a bad depressed kind of quiet.

Moving on. The last two nights have been the best sleep I've gotten in months. Two nights in a row! Amazing! This is very exciting, mainly because it gives me hope that some day I'll feel normal again. Unfortunately, two nights doesn't fix the current sleep deprived state. It took a year and half to get this bad and will take a long time to come out of it again. But hope is a funny thing and carries you through a lot.

Hmmm. I was in a very good mood yesterday. I had the above mentioned hope, I got to spend the entire day with some of my favorite people, I was able to visit with some old friends, I took some positive steps. Coincidence that the food thing seemed easier? Highly doubtful. I'm not surprised I didn't make this connection above (sometimes it's very hard for me to see obvious things) but I'm glad I've made it now.

Moving along again. I've reformatted my 'to do' list, visually. It makes the line item list look shorter. In some ways that makes it feel more manageable. In other ways, I find it hard to believe that I can condense everything to such a short list. Good? Bad? I don't know. But I need a lot of things checked off today. It's Monday, and it's time to set the tone for the week.

Running the gauntlet.

I've lost track of what day it is. Snow has completely altered my personal schedule several times this week and I'm all discombobulated. One might say my schedule is askew.

Warning: I'm a little punch-drunk tired. The last two weeks have had a heavy toll and there's not much end in sight. Also, for some crazy reason my kids have started getting up earlier. The older two don't bother me much, but that comes with a cost. Guilt. Hard to believe that I'd feel guilty about anything but it's true. I feel bad that I'm not awake and functioning. I'm also too tired to take on that change, so I try to mitigate my guilt by thinking "It's good for them to be independent." Ha.

I'm also feeling a little crazy-giddy. I'm not sure why, except for the punch-drunk tired thing. I keep thinking my glasses are all messed up, but my eyes are too tired to focus right. And I'm having some kind of weird psychosomatic reaction to seeing a mouse in the house - it feels like it's skittering across my feet all the time. As you can imagine, this does not make for happy bedtime thoughts. So. There's the setup for where I'm at right now. This post probably would have sounded different an hour ago, or written in the morning, but too bad. I'm here now.

I could focus on the failures of my day, but I'm not. I'm going to yell the successes with all my might. Because today, today I feel like it. Today, I feel successful.

Breakfast: Goal met. [Side note: I've missed having a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast because it's not in my goal. I'm now compromising. Half a bagel, of which half has butter and half has cream cheese IS in my goal. So now I can have the bagel and cream cheese again. Yeah!]
Lunch: Too many chips. But NO snacks between these meals. Unless you count my has-calories coffee, and I don't. I need coffee to be part of my day right now. Just go with it.
Dinner: A bit too heavy on portions, but I over-portioned on fruit. So it feels a little bit better than usual. And only very minor snacking between lunch and dinner.

But here's the coup de grace: I survived the grocery store.

A bit of serious backstory, in order for the success to be fully appreciated. A while back I discovered that my closest major grocery sells "small" slices of cake. I love cake. I've stopped in there just to get some cake. They also sell some very tasty cookies. Plus all the other junk found in the grocery. I'm ashamed to say this, but I can't tell you the number of times I've run to the grocery by myself, wolfed two large cookies in the car on the way home, and then thrown away the wrappers in the dumpster out back before coming inside. And then have dessert with everyone else. Actually, remembering that and trying to confront it makes me want to cry. So I'm going to move on, assuming that's enough set up.

I went to this store tonight. On the way there I made a decision. I was going to get a piece of cake. No cookies. No other snack food. And later, I would enjoy my cake while the rest of the family enjoyed their ice cream. And I would not have ice cream.

Guess what! Guess! Guess!!!!

I did it. I bought one slice of cake. I lingered at the cookies, but walked away without any. I stared at the candy but left it all on the shelf. I did purchase a diet soda, so I'd have something in the car, but I'm not counting that as failure. When I got home, I ate a little more than half of my cake. I did not have any ice cream.

I set a goal. I met my goal. I did it. Really, honest, transparent, no spinning of the tale. Just plain success.

Bonus: I used the stairs in the parking garage, both down AND up. Four flights. I'm very pleased to report that I was able to move at a steady pace up all four flights without pause (though if it had been five flights, I would had to slow down or take a break).

Tonight, I ran the gauntlet. And I came out the other side better for it.

A lifetime of enjoying junk food.

I grew up eating food that was bad for me. Sandwiches always came with chips. Dinners usually consisted of an entree, starch, and vegetable. The entree was often fried and the vegetable almost always out of a can. Snack food was junk food. Fresh fruit was limited to apples, oranges, or bananas and those weren't always available. As a young adult, I started drinking soda. Dinner time was fraught with peril: one sister constantly told (firmly) to slow down, I was constantly told (firmly) to speed up, and we weren't allowed to leave the table unless we ate everything off our plate.

But how many people grow up eating that way and manage their adult food intake just fine? I'm sure some do. Just like some kids can grow up with an alcoholic parent and not become one themselves, I'm sure that some kids mature out of their bad diet and don't suffer. But, by the same analogy, some kids grow up with an alcoholic parent and then become alcoholics themselves. I'm part of that second category, where I haven't let go of my junk food lifestyle. Interestingly, I think one of my sisters is like me - still living the junk food - but one of them matured out of it.

I've tried really hard to break the cycle for my kids. Lunch comes with a fruit or vegetable, not chips. Dinner is served with a fruit AND a vegetable, and starches only appear once a week or so. Snacks are things like yogurt, fruit (fresh or dried), and vegetables. We're not terribly strict: they are familiar with chips and like them, my 3yr old adores popcorn, and a small sweet is almost always part of their day. I'm looking for a moderate approach. Instead of just banning it all, I've tried to focus on portion control. I've tried to teach them that the junk food has a very small role in their diet. I've exposed them to a large range of fresh fruits and vegetables, in multiple presentations. I've tried to teach them balance and choice: a piece of cake now means no sweets later, but a small sweet means a small sweet later.

It's hard. It is very hard to work on giving the kids this base while still working on my own. "Do as I say, not as I do." I hope they don't resent my hypocrisy.

Friday was a day of success and failure. Less snacking in between meals but overeating at the meal. Still constantly thinking about it all. I'm frustrated, feeling like I should be further along in this process now. It was difficult for me to commit to a breakfast limit/goal. But I did, and I stuck with it. Now, breakfast is mostly easy to tackle without overeating or feeling crazy. The plan was that when breakfast was "settled" I'd move on to another aspect, like lunch or the in between snacking. But the next moving on step has me very intimidated. It seems like those next steps will be much harder than breakfast. I'm scared of failing, because failure brings me down so far.

In a side note, I don't own a weight scale (or, not a reliable one, anyway). I don't want to own one. I don't want to know. I'd like to spin it and say something like "This way, I stay focused on my goal of changing habits, not distracted by weight loss or gain." There's a kernel of truth to that. But I'm also just afraid to confront the numbers.

Winter season tries to kill me. Every year. But worse this year.

Good news: I didn't need my light therapy box today. The clouds have finally moved on. The snow and ice are everywhere, creating a hugely bright environment. It felt warmer than it was, just because I needed my sunglasses while I was driving. This is good because I'm not using my light therapy box as I should be and needed some daylight. I'm pretty sure I need to go back to my old style box but I'm now watching prices to try to find something in budget.

I've spent most of my day wearing my brand new fancy bracelet (bought on the very cheap) that doesn't go with my fleece and jeans. But I don't care because it's new and I like it.

The rest of the day was OK. Again, not great. Too many cookies, too much snacking. I did substitute carrots in this afternoon, but it only half counts because I dipped them in ranch dip to make them tasty. Really enjoyed a simple dinner, though. One that was pretty healthy and reasonable in portions. Except that I ate too much of the banana apple salad. It was tasty. Too tasty, and I lost my head.

My brain has been working overtime today trying to think through a host of problems. I'm not sure where I'm going right now in several ways. It leaves me feeling frustrated and a little confused. I do better with a clear plan. So I made a plan specific to this evening, but I'm not going forward with it. Since making the plan and arriving at execution time, I've started feeling ill (again!). I've caught the head cold the boys are fighting. Wish us luck. Survival might be in question. How long can one family stay sick, anyway? Wait - please don't tell me.

I need a reason to pick up my book "Thin Within" again. I'm taking suggestions.

I'd write more (maybe) but I got a new book yesterday and it's a long one. Many pages still to go, and the hour is late.

But first: a positive list.
I am .... a great appreciator of a talented musician.
I am .... thoughtful.
I am .... teaching my children to love to learn.
I am .... here. Being present.
I am .... making our world go 'round.

If I were wearing boots with straps, I'd try to pull on them.

I skipped writing yesterday. It felt too overwhelming. I haven't been doing well and yesterday I just wanted to float on by all of this. So I did.

The weird thing is that yesterday went pretty well. OK. That might be stretching it. But it went better. I stuck with my breakfast goal. I had a reasonable lunch and dinner. For dinner, I waited until I was hungry. I did snack, but fairly lightly compared to my usual intake. I just didn't want to look at the whole thing yesterday. I wanted to pretend it was all just OK.

It's not all OK, not by any means. Part of this situation is that I live it every day. It's always factoring into my thinking time. "Have I eaten too much? Am I really hungry? Where's that chocolate I want so badly? Can I make a cake?" You get the idea. And it's not just about me. I went to the grocery store yesterday and that's a whole lot of extra stuff. "Is this the best purchase choice? Who's going to eat this - me, or my family? How can I pace myself?" Add to that the stress of feeling so responsible for every one's nutrition, responsible for the budget, and juggling the chore with a grumpy 1 yr old in tow. My last stop, I held together mainly on the promise of purchasing candy at the check out aisle. I was going through the snack aisle and looking at cookies, and said "No, I'll get some M&Ms on the way out." Same through the baked goods aisle. And freezer aisle.

It all came together, though, and I didn't get any candy. Not through any conscious choice, mind you. I was unloading my groceries, juggling Oliver, trying to hurry because the cashier was waiting for me. And I just kind of forgot the candy. But I'll take it as a win anyway, even if it wasn't deliberate. Being able to forget is a win all by itself.

So, the daily report a day late: yesterday wasn't too bad. I think that sums it all up.

In other news: I've taken stock of my responsibilities. I cannot do them all. I'm tired of straining and stressing trying to get it all done. I'm tired. I'm not helping anyone to my satisfaction. So I've decided some things must go. I've made a big change and next week it will result in a very different setup for my daily routine. I think this is good. I'm looking forward to it. But I'm also struggling because it feels like I've failed. I'm trying to see the success: I identified a problem (I'm overworked), I came to a reasonable and acceptable solution (I've shifted part of my workload elsewhere), and I put the plan into action (starts next week). This is a healthy and great method. But I feel like I've failed because I committed to something and now have had to back out. It's so hard to feel free of this thinking. It's so hard to rewire my brain. It's also hard to accept that I'm worthwhile enough to be entitled to saying "No." That's a real problem.

I am going to try to write about today later. I need to keep going, even if I fall down.

I've got nothing.

Same old thing going on over here. Lists that are amazingly unfinished. Snacks eaten all day long. Tired. Frustrated. Not making anything work today.

I think it will get better. Eventually.