Spinning my wheels.

I've crashed and burned out on this whole thing. Like any good thing, I've ruined it spectacularly. My inner ugly voice is telling me that I've been stupid, lazy, and there's no point. In the meantime, I've harvested some smaller sized clothing from my closet. And I didn't feel like a fat freak in today's choice of shirts. Even my winter coat feels too big. Which is actually good (aside from the fact that it's spring time and it's not even a proper coat - more like a jacket) because I have a nice wool coat in the closet but don't wear it because it's felt too small. Hopefully it will feel like a better fit. But none of this has driven any kind of motivation to keep working on change. The last two days, especially, have been bad. So bad. Tons of junk food, snacks, sugars, and general overeating. I don't feel well, which I think is related to overeating (and eating unhealthy) both in triggering the coping mechanism to overeat because I didn't feel well to start and the actual food/quantity making me feel sick to my stomach. As usual, I'm very tired. Feeling ridiculously tired. And I feel crazy. Mentally unwell. I don't' know what that means, exactly, just that life seems way too hard right now. I feel like I want/need a sick day that I can just spend all day in bed, wearing pajamas, or sitting around watching TV. But that's really not in the schedule this week... I'm trying really hard to go back to better choices and habits. The truth is that I don't want to be this way. I don't like feeling this way. It's just where I am right now, unhappily. There are so many words stuck in my head. So many things/ideas floating around. So little focus. I am feeling incredibly isolated and socially inept. So. This is the ugly place I'm living in right now. Looking to move out. Looking to move on.

Finding it hard to keep myself focused.

I haven't been posting here because I'm... well, I'm all sorts of things. Tired. Bored with myself. Sickly. Stuck in a rut. And, most importantly, I'm avoiding the truth; I've been overeating and not caring.

The other day I wrote about being so tired I could just go to sleep for the day. Today, I did that for a few hours. I was just so tired I had to lay down for awhile. I feel more tired than I think is warranted. I'm beginning to wonder if there's something going on, like anemia or something. It's really hard to judge my level of exhaustion. I'm going to try to move up the doctor appointment I have scheduled at the end of the month. I suspect it won't work - it's so hard to get a short notice appointment - but it's on my list of things to try. Worst case scenario, I'm scheduled to see the doc at the end of the month and hopefully will be able to eliminate any kind of underlying physical ailment.

It's been hard. It's possible that much of this is just depression being ugly.

The last few days I've been out of food control, again. And just not caring much about it. I've been much better today - very reasonable lunches, dinners, and snacks. But I still don't care very much. It doesn't feel good or bad, just all out there in this strange mood.

Also, I've started coughing again. A nasty wet hacking thing. Yuck.

I don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure that I need a jumpstart. I'm just not sure how to go about it. I'd like to be excited about all this again - I've lost weight, my pants fit, I've dropped a size... but none of that is motivating the way it probably should.

And now I'm signing off here to go retrieve donuts from the car. Yup, you read that right. Donuts. That, at least, is something to be excited about.

I'm like the Spring weather and constantly changing.

What a week. I can't believe how much we've done this last week. I'm mentally and physically worn out. It was a good week in so many ways but packing things in like that is crazy. I'm happy to be back to our regular working schedule.

Yesterday was a bad day. I'm very unhappy with myself. I skipped breakfast (time crunch) then ate too many cookies. I delayed lunch (full of cookies), then ate a very large portion. My dinner portion wasn't too big but was all just cheese (quesadilla) - no fruit/veggies for balance. On top of the cookies, I polished off a candy bar. Admittedly, the overall quantity or choices wasn't horrific. It was a good example of the progress I've made - while I did over eat I felt full sooner and hit the stopping point a lot faster than I have in the past. Then there's the other side of this - I just stopped caring about being better.

Sure, I was tired. And yes, I had a lot going on. Physically, I felt lousy with a wet cough and congestion. My stress level yesterday (up until about 9pm or so) was extremely high. I was angry and frustrated. I was trying really hard to go forward, be productive, be polite, move along. It seems very easy to say that I treated all those emotions with food. Specifically, I treated them with bad junk food.

Realistically, I know that changing my lifestyle is a process. I will have days when I give up, and days when I make huge strides. A lifetime of poor eating choices takes time to overcome and rewire. Emotionally, though, I'm finding it hard to pick myself back up again. How many times am I going to go through this before I learn? At least, that's how it feels. And all I really want to do is crawl in bed and stay there for the day.

It's hard to say how much of this plays into depression. I'd like to pretend that depression doesn't matter, that it isn't a problem in my life, that sometimes I'm just a little 'blue.' But all of that would be a lie. It does matter. It matters to everyone I live with and work with. It's a struggle - sometimes a daily struggle - that can't be shrugged away lightly. It makes understanding the big picture a lot harder. So, I want to crawl into bed for the day. Is it the depression working on top of the physical illness and exhaustion? Or is it just my body trying to get me to take a nap?

I'm pretty sure I'm just talking myself in circles.

Yesterday, I raided the pile of clothes I had set aside to donate. I retrieved two pairs of jeans from the pile to add back into my closet. When I set them aside, they were too small. Yesterday, they fit just fine.

Somethings are good.

Too tired to think clearly, but I wanted to share some good things.

I've been out of town - both a good and bad thing for my dietary efforts. But I haven't been very computer oriented for the last few weeks so I'm pretty far behind on everything involving my laptop, including my blog.

I did take a few moments to update my honesty sidebar. I figured I should change my pants size listing, since I have now successfully worn my size smaller pants and found them to be quite comfortable. Looking at the list I realized that I started this journey three months ago.

I'm blown away by that.

Three months. 12 weeks. Ups and downs. Good and bad. Lots of failure, some success mixed in.

It's the longest I've ever stuck with a new diet plan.

Like I said, blown away. Perhaps I'll be more articulate tomorrow.

The last few days, not so quickly.

I haven't had a chance to post for a few days as we trekked out of town the other day. The preparing to leave plus the in town activities took up most of Saturday. Yesterday, we were busy with the tasks we trekked over here to accomplish. But today... today is a good day to post. Naps are happening, work is on pause, and the weather is gross.

I'm going to try to hit the highs and lows of the last few days. No particular order, just however they occur to me. I'm going to just go with it.

Saturday morning I was out of the house early. I didn't have time for my usual breakfast at home. Normally, given this schedule, I'd take the excuse to run through a drive through and grab something really bad for me (sausage mcgriddle, anyone?). Since I started a new breakfast program, though, I've successfully avoided all drive through breakfasts. Let's face it: there isn't much on a drive through menu that is 200 cal or less. Just to be sure, I took a quick look at the published calorie counts; not even the new oatmeal they're pushing is in the range unless you get it with no brown sugar, though the fruit/yogurt parfait would qualify (the sausage mcgriddle is over 400). To get around this drive through temptation, I've been really good about taking breakfast along with me. It keeps me honest. But I didn't have a chance to fix anything to go Saturday morning. My schedule required me to be out for several more hours, so just skipping it and going home wasn't going to work. In the end, I stopped at QT. I balanced my cinnamon roll purchase with an unsweetened tea (instead of coffee). More importantly, I didn't eat the whole roll. I'm not completely crazy - I know that half a cinnamon roll from QT doesn't belong in my breakfast regiment. But the fact that I could (and did) set that roll aside before eating the entire thing is significant.

I've "helped" myself in the past to stick to stated goals by just removing the food. For example, I'll decide I'm only going to eat half that small cone of ice cream from Dairy Queen. To make sure it happens, I throw away half before I even take the first bite. So I've stuck with the goal, but I ate everything I had. Saturday morning, I just set the roll aside. I didn't eat it all, I just ate a predetermined amount. An amount that was even reasonable. This is huge. This sort of experience is what makes me feel like change is possible. And, possibly, that change is actually happening.

Being here, away from home, it's sort of easier to avoid the constant snacking. My favorite foods aren't here. I could bring them with me or purchase them but I'm trying to use this as an opportunity to get better about the mindless snacking. The upside is that I've been forced to give up some snacking (or snack on fresh fruit instead). The downside is that I can feel the crazy snacking desire building. I know that what I want isn't here, and in my head I'm beginning to wonder about the best way to get what I want. It's like a growing itch. It's part of the reason why I can't seem to give up the bad stuff entirely. The more I say no, the more I want it. I think I'm going to need to acquire the snacks and make reasonable goals for myself, before I go off the deep end and just overindulge.

We went clothes shopping yesterday. I bought a new pair of jeans to replace the ones that developed holes last week. I picked my standard size up from the shelf only to find that they were too big. I don't know if it's a brand thing or smaller sized waist. I'm still feeling surprised by the whole experience.

There's more I'd like to add but the quiet good for posting time has ended and I'm giving up. Later.

Getting caught up... in my head.

Yesterday, I broke ranks with breakfast. I had two scrambled eggs (with cheese), a slice of toast (butter and jelly) and a cup a of coffee (with creamer). This is not within my 200 cal range. I knew it when I fixed it, but went for it anyway. I'm looking at this as an OK sort of situation, though. I was fixing breakfast. I didn't overeat, I didn't eat compulsively - I made a choice. Importantly, the choice wasn't out of line.

The thing is, I think part of the reason that I've failed so often at this food thing is because I hold to unrealistic standards. I'm not a person who can accept the same thing, day after day, or follow along because I've been given a set of rules. The choice to go to a 200 cal breakfast was a hard choice but a valuable one. Overall, it's been successful. But if I were to say "I'll never eat over 200 cal again" I would go crazy. I would reverse this progress and start eating more and more, just out of spite. At least I've gotten far enough to understand this about myself.

You know... yesterday, it wasn't so bad. Not great, but not too bad. It wasn't a food struggle day even though my mood was really down. I was frustrated and impatient, out of sorts. I think that I am slowly disconnecting the knee jerk reaction to eat emotionally. That's a short sentence, but the meaning is hugely significant.

Monday night, after eating too much during the evening, I got all the kids asleep and immediately thought "Snack!" Then I thought "What?!?!?" I was overstuffed. And I'm thinking about a snack? So instead of going downstairs, I went into my bedroom (where I never eat). I hung out there until the snacking urge passed by. It was a good thing. I'm pleased by this progress.

Today... today is something else. I think. I don't know. Actually, in retrospect, today was pretty good. Too many chips with lunch, but no snacks to speak of. I wasn't hungry for dinner, so I waited until I was actually hungry. Then, wrestling with the desire for a snack and something else, I had small portions. So... I think today was pretty good. Hard to say for sure, as I'm amazingly unreliable at assessing these sorts of things. I think I'll take it, though.

Off to sleep - so tired. I'd like to work out a bit tomorrow. It would be good for me.

Losing perspective. Or, I've forgotten how to see the positive side.

Yesterday was an amazingly impressive failure. Breakfast, lunch, and snacking went OK. Then I went crazy. We had tickets to a hockey game. I don't go to the games very often anymore.When I used to go, there was always a snack involved in the experience. Last night was even stranger - our tickets included food and drink at the lounge. I seriously overate. I'm pretty sure I ate two lunch portions for dinner. I usually struggle with dinner portions anyway but last night got very much out of hand. Part of it was the idea that we spent a lot of money on these tickets and I felt like I needed to justify the expense. At the cost of my diet changing efforts.

I had several hours to myself yesterday. I thought about putting in the workout DVD. It's been a long time since I've done it and I need to get back into a routine. But there are so many things that need doing at any given time. Instead, I opted to do some clean up. I got through the entire master bathroom - which I usually have to do in stages - and started organizing myself for us to leave on Saturday. It was time well spent and it felt good when I walked through those rooms yesterday/this morning. But by the time I finished, there wasn't time for the DVD. There's never enough time for everything.

I'm trying to see the success buried in all this. Before going to the hockey game I had done OK for the day. And I was wildly productive all day Sunday and Monday. I had an idea that I'd go overboard at the hockey game, and it felt a little less like compulsion and a little more like a foolish choice - and that's progress.

Truthfully? I'm awfully tired and not seeing much of a bright side. I feel overwhelmed by the things that need doing, the things that have been left behind, the pace I've set for myself the last few days. I joke about mainlining caffeine, but I'm honestly not sure what's keeping my eyes open. Or my mind sane. I'd like to add something happy and uplifting here, but I'm feeling a bit too bogged down. I'm just maintaining. It could be worse.

What? I don't understand. Can someone explain this to me?

I've fallen apart. Mentally, not physically. Physically, that would be a mess. Although, physically I AM a bit of a mess. I'm making this too complicated.

The other day, when I learned that I had lost 10 pounds, I felt validated. Not thinner, or more fit, but like all this effort has been worthwhile. I found myself moving more confidently. In my head, the thought was something like: I may still be fat, but I'm getting control over my compulsive eating! It's a mindset thing. I've maintained for awhile that this process isn't about weight loss but about changing myself. My attitude, my mindset, my health and well being.

But man, the number on the scale was such a physical manifestation of all this effort. And it felt good and real.

Then something happened. I'm not sure what, or why, but my attitude went south. I went back to feeling full of failure and just fat, not accomplished. As you can imagine, this kind of attitude makes it hard to manage the effort to change. I think that sentence makes sense.

I'm hungry. And I don't understand if I should be. Or if I shouldn't be. Or what I'm doing. I need a new structure.

Some days are just harder.

I've been working on generally having a more pleasant and upbeat outlook on everything. Trying to take in success and let go of the failure. It's hard. I've spent years focused on and seeing my failure. This new outlook thing is actually very tiring. it's harder than you might think to change the way my brain automatically thinks.

Having a lot of trouble with that tonight. My body is very sore for no obvious reason. Painfully sore. And I'm still feeling ill. I overate today but it doesn't feel like it - I'm still hungry. And I'm just plain grumpy about the whole thing. Oh, and I didn't exercise today, either.

I'm going to go hit the kitchen, try to stick to a reasonable snack, and go to bed. Throwing in the towel.

I am my own worse enemy.

I'm actually going to try for an end of day post! Amazing! I'm too tired to be sane. Just go with it.

Good and bad. I blew my calorie count for breakfast and stopped in for a donut. The upshot is that I did manage to control myself and only have one instead of the two I can usually inhale. Also, it was a very carefully considered choice. It's just what I wanted, it wasn't stress eating. So I think it falls into a winning experience, if only slightly. I also managed to control my portions at lunch and dinner. Very minimal snacking, too.

The bad? I just gave up completely and ate a freedom snack even though I was already very full and was eating just to eat. And I knew it, and told myself to go away, and ate my way through a large portion. I don't know what happened. I just didn't want to be different. I wanted to throw away all this change. I miss feeling comfortable about food... even if it was a very fleeting feeling as I was eating.

I do not miss the heavy, heavy regret I used to feel. Now, I don't feel so much regret. I feel like it's getting easier to let go of the bad stuff.

So, good and bad today. I sabotaged myself, but managed some success in there. And I can't remember the last time I ate candy by the handful. That's good, right?

Going to try to resume workout tomorrow. It's a goal.

Trying to see success in the long term.

I went to the doctor yesterday for some issues I've been having the last week or so. It's not too bad (it could be worse) and it will get better (probably without any intervention) but it's still kind of blah. I haven't slept well this week due to ongoing pain. It's hard to get going. Also, the doc wants me to hold off on the exercise until all my symptoms disappear. The actual workout, I mean.

At first, this sounded good. Aha! I have a reason to skip the workout! But after the initial thought, it's just kind of frustrating. I was just getting into the rhythm of regular workouts and this is very disruptive. Maybe I just need something to complain about.

On another, surprising note: doctor visit means weigh in. And I weighed in at 10 pounds less than I did Dec 20, about 2 months ago. This seems huge and insignificant at the same time. The failure part of me is thinking: so what? Who cares about 10 pounds? I'm still overweight. But the success part of me is thinking: this means the slow changes are working.

I also seem to be getting fuller faster. Or realizing that I'm full after a smaller portion. I'm not sure. It's good, though.

Not so many snacks yesterday. If I can control the portions (snacks and mealtimes) I think I'll be in a much better position.